Restless Wonderer

Attachment Parenting?

2011-09-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

I have just two words for you. Attachment. Parenting.

I remember talking to Robin Grille about it all. I almost fell over backwards when he said he didn't like the whole attachment parenting thing. At the time I thought that attachment parenting was da bomb you see. But Robin had seen a different side of it. One that I am only just starting to see with regularity now. Parental burnout.

I know so many mummas trying to parent their children a la The Continuum Concept while living in our separatist, perfectionist society. Most of us live on our own with our nuclear families where one parent is solely responsible for the children. Being at home all day with hugely dependant children while trying to break old cycles and not crush their poor little souls is virtually impossible. And we are setting ourselves up to fail.

I have had to find my way with this parenting gig. I read a line in a Dr Sears book once that changed my life. I think it was in the Baby Sleep Book and it said something like - if you don't like something (are really, deeply not happy about something) then something has to change. This was when I was breastfeeding Jake (he was just over 2) and pregnant with Aron. Jake was feeding a million times a night and I was in pain with every feed. So I night weaned him. It wasn't the most pleasant thing I have ever done but he did cope so much better than I ever thought he would. And I think we both learnt a very valuable lesson. That I have needs that are important too and that it is ok to be sad/angry/pissed off. He also learnt that he could be and show all of those emotions and I would still be there and still love him.

As my children get older, the negotiations and compromise become more even. We have rules and boundaries that are really very solid. Most of them are around safety but lots are around personal space and respect. I try very hard to communicate these boundaries clearly so there are no misunderstandings and then to enforce them when they are challenged. And sometimes this involves quite a bit of unpleasantness. I yell, hell sometimes I scream. I get angry. Quite a lot actually. But I think it is important for children to see (age appropriate) anger. I would much prefer my children to see clear anger from me when I feel it rather than an insidious build up of resentment that poisons every interaction we have (often leading to a hugely inappropriate explosion of rage).

I really think it is important for children to see all sorts of emotions. I hear some parents speak to their children in such a boring, almost pleading monotone, "oh sweetie, please don't do that, darling, we don't do that....." or "no sweetie, we don't run across the road because we could get hit by a car because cars go so very fast and the people driving them don't expect people to just run out onto the road, I know it looks like fun and that you want to run on the road but it really is dangerous sweetie...blah....blah...blah...." jeebus, if I were a kid I would run onto the road just to get away from it.

I think it is important to respect children, which involves talking to them like they are human, not a chiuaua.

This is all part of the reason why I don't feel like I fit in with the "crunchier" crowd. Sometimes I think they have a competition going to see who can hold their baby the most, who can breastfeed the longest, who can delay solids the longest, who can have the least amount of rules (and still be zen). What they forget to do is to look at their child and their family and their individual circumstances.

I've been there. Putting the ideals above my own needs, above the needs of the family. I still struggle with it, finding the happy median is one of the hardest things about being a parent.

I find the attachment parenting principles really sound but I do prioritise. I call myself an attachment parent because I follow what I believe are the most important practices. I co-sleep, breastfeed full term, I believe that vaccinations are harmful and that schooling is damaging. I believe that children should be treated with respect and kindness. I believe elimination communication is ideal, and failing that, cloth nappies should be used. I think that hammocks and dummies are poor replacements for human arms and breasts. I believe in baby led weaning and the thought of spoon feeding makes my stomach churn, I also believe that the longer a baby is EXCLUSIVELY breastfed the better. I don't think punishment and rewards work and I believe in unschooling. However.....

I haven't been coping really well these past few months so I have started using disposable nappies, using a dummy and/or the hammock (and other peoples arms!) when I have needed to. I have introduced some more structure in the form of a curriculum and some (light?) punishment and rewards in the form of pocket money and clear consequences.

I weaned both my boys at night and encouraged the full weaning process when it started with both of them (Jake was 3 and a half and Aron was 2 and 8 months). And maybe all of this means that I'm not really "AP" enough. But you know what? I've let go of it. I've found it easier to let go of it all this time round and I think that's because it is working. For all of us! How nice....

R U OK?

2011-09-14T17:17:00.001-07:00

It's RUOK? day today and I absolutely love the idea.

I help organise a birthing and babies group (Macedon Ranges BaBs) and we meet up every Monday. On the days when we have our formal topic sessions we go round the circle introducing ourselves and we ask everyone to answer the question "What's life like for you at the moment?" It's kinda like saying RUOK? every fortnight.

It is cool to see how people answer. Most of the newer attendees just say 'fine' or 'good' - the standard responses you give when someone says how are you? As they get more comfortable though you hear the truth, which is refreshing. Just this last Monday we could have spent the entire session just answering this one question.

We all fall into the trap of pretending everything is fine when sometimes life just sucks. We all think that, in order to be seen as coping, we need to hide how we are really feeling. What happens is everyone thinks that everyone else is stronger or happier or better than they are.

So today when someone asks R U OK? Be honest, you might be surprised by how good it feels!

On babies and 'experts'....

2011-09-13T19:27:00.000-07:00

I was all set today to sit down and write a big, serious post about babies and crying. And I will. One day. I have lots of thoughts buzzing around my head but am having trouble in the fog of new babyness to get anything really coherent on the page.

My 6 week old baby boy is my FOURTH child. I have 4 (count 'em) children. When did that happen? You would probably be thinking that I have things in the parenting department fairly sorted out by now, huh? And, in a way, you would be right.

Thinking back over my parenting career, I can see that I am so much more relaxed when it comes to the baby stuff. If Tom cries I'm not completely distraught if I can't fix everything right away. I get that he is sometimes going to feel frustrated/uncomfortable/generally pissed like the rest of us. I also do everything in my ability to make him comfortable and would never leave him alone to cry. If I can't get to him straight away I will call out to him, make sure he can hear me and let him know that I am coming.

I am also acutely aware that all of the things I find vaguely annoying about new babies (constantly wearing him (in a sling) is hard work - he is around 6kg at just 6 weeks old! Night time feeds, constant work interruptions etc) will pass all too quickly.

I was told so many times with my first that babies "grow so quickly", now it is my turn to tell new mums the same thing. When my arms ache now from holding his weight, I remind myself that my arms are always going to ache - not with the weight of a babe but with the want of my babes back in them.

I have cut myself a lot of slack with this little one. I feel I know where the ideal of parenting is but I am much more aware of my own abilities to care for a tiny one as well as 3 other children and a huge amount of other things.

Tom has a dummy. And I spend some time each day trying to get him to sleep in his hammock (both I believe are poor substitutes for my breasts and my arms). None of my others ever had a dummy and I do having conflicting feelings about it. For this baby however it seems to fulfil a need. He gets so cross when my milk lets down and all he wants to do is comfort suck. And the car! My god has it made a difference in the car.

I'm looking at him asleep in his hammock and am wondering if I am the only mother in the world who feels replaced, by bedding.

This is all quite new to me. My first babe spent all the time in my arms when she slept because I didn't have anything better to do. My second babe spent all the time in my arms because (due to circumstances surrounding his birth) I was quite convinced he was going to die. And my third spent all the time in my arms - to the detriment of his older siblings.

And so I find myself here, just feeling around in the dark again. And you know what? I am actually finding that I am enjoying this adventure. Getting to know Tom, really being aware that I don't know who he is and really relishing finding out. I can feel myself falling in love, I can feel the love of the family growing to encompass him. Most of all, I can really cherish what a blessing he is and what he has to offer this world. I think I have really been able to see all of the above because I have been able to let go. Let go of ideals and guilt and worry (for the most part!).

I am so aware now that there are no parenting experts out there, and that babies don't really need experts anyway. All they need is love, compassion and understanding - just like any other human being.

A bit of a birth story. Doing it wrong.....again.

2011-08-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

I gave birth three weeks ago (3 weeks and 12ish hours ago to be exact) and I found myself doing it all wrong (again).http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

Between Aron's birth and this last birth I became a doula and a HypnoChilbirth practitioner. I attended six births in that time, both in hospital and out and I had supported another two women through pregnancy. I thought I knew a bit about pregnancy and birth. Lol.

Bear(bare?) with me while I jump around a little. I have never really been a fan of second stage. With Aron I coped really well with the labour (even enjoying much of it) and never noticed transition. Pushing him out though was a different story. It was so quick but jeeze did I scream, there was no orgasmic birth for me!

I've seen a few women give birth now and I swear I have never heard anyone make these sorts of noises! So with Tom's pregnancy I decided to work on accepting second stage, I dreamt about breathing my baby out, I may have even fantasised about having an orgasmic birth. I wanted to be silent (or at least not wake the neighbours 2km away :D), I wanted to be in control and dignified and I wanted it be gentle. I would use my yoga breath, I would quietly hum yessss, instead of scream NOOOOOOO!

Most women are physically capable of having this kind of birth. I know I am PHYSICALLY capable of having this kind of birth (I had had 3 straight forward births before this one) and I knew that the only challenge I faced was mental, I knew my thoughts and my constant-over-the-top analytical mind could possible hinder my path to a gentle, beautiful, ecstatic birth. So I worked on it. I listened to hypnosis cd's, I watched tons of YouTube videos of women breathing their babies out, I read birth story on top of birth story. I talked to my midwife and my doula at length about it, I was a little bit obsessed to be honest. All my preparation focused on riding the waves of labour, of getting into the rhythm, of really accepting and going within. This was my last birth and I was going to do it right damn it!

And then labour started...or did it? I wasn't sure. Yep definitely intense, hard to breathe through contractions...oh no wait they have gone away. My body betrayed me. I had never laboured like this before! There was no rhythm, no consistency, no rhyme or reason as to when a contraction (or string of contractions) would hit. And I. Was. Pissed.

After almost 24 hours (with very little sleep) I gave up. Fuck it, I thought. I was going to get a shower and go to bed. I had a big cry in the shower, a big self-indulgent 'poor me' whinge. Where was my baby?? I got out of the bath and promptly hit transition. My last contraction had been 20 minutes earlier and only lasted 40 seconds. Transition lasted almost two hours complete with uncontrollable shaking, crying, nausea, horrible thoughts and....yes, screaming. Loud enough to wake the neighbours. Pushing him out was long, intense and bloody hard work. It involved more screaming and complaining and quite a few "no, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOO"'s.

It has taken a bit of processing this birth (only a little bit though - he is only three weeks old!) but I have accepted that this is just the way I birth. And birth is not always pretty or gentle or easy. In fact I would hesitate to say that it rarely is (and please note that I am only talking about unhindered birth at home here, hospital birth is a whole 'nother kettle of fish).

I roar and scream and swear my babies out. I don't like it, it hurts and scares me. But I do it. I just give birth 'cause that's what women do. And, instead of seeing everything that was wrong with my labour and birth, I am now focusing on what was right. I'm focusing on the courage and the rawness and the beauty. On the knowledge that, despite REALLY not wanting to, I pushed him out of my vagina and into the world, drug free, free of strange hands and rough instruments. He got a gentle transition into this world, into water with his cord intact. And I am proud of that. And that's an awesome feeling.

I've learned lots of things over the last nine months. And one of those lessons is that there is no right or wrong way to give birth. No one is better than anyone else. And every single birth is different.

xo

Things that helped...

2011-08-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

A few people have asked what I did to aid recovery from pre-natal depression. There were a few things I did to try help but I need to make it really clear that I had a very strong feeling that it would go away as soon as the baby was born so many of the things I put in place were to simply get through the pregnancy. This is so different to people who suffer from depression in general (post partum included). For them there is no end point, no magical date where everything will suddenly be ok again. So with this in mind, these are the things I did to help:

Nutrition. I can't stress hard enough how important this is. I really believe that many common 'pregnancy symptoms' are actually vitamin or mineral deficiencies (this requires its own post). So I started taking high potency fish oil (ethical nutrients), vit C powder (Blackmores) and Magnesium powder (Blackmores) twice a day. I really felt a difference - more energy when I wasn't depressed and it felt like longer stints between the down times.

Someone to talk to. I would suggest someone outside of your immediate circle. Some people are just too close, for example I would try to talk to mu hubby about it in the beginning. We talk about everything and are very close so this seemed logical at the time. However, he really had no idea that this was different to every other time I was sad and would try to cheer me up or snap me out of it or similar such annoying behaviour. A councilor would work if you were that way inclined. I had a midwife who had all the time in the world for me and who never once tried to fix things. I also had a doula who did the same thing but who also offered really practical help (kids, housework, meals etc).

Hypnosis/Positive affirmations/meditation. Or something similar. I am a trained HypnoChildbirth practitioner and I would put on a CD of some of my scripts twice a week. While it wasn't a cure all by any long shot it did give me some time and space to myself and let my mind rest just a little. I used these methods to deal gently with my kids even when I wasn't feeling it. I also used some positive affirmations and meditation a few times a week at bedtime to make sure they kept their feeling of self and to reconnect and remind them that I loved them unconditionally.

The days where I wasn't too bad I would try to get out of the house. Even if it was just to take the kids to the park (I would usually just sit on the bench but at least the kids got some exercise!) The days that I was bad I would try to organise someone else to have them, worse case they would watch movies and tv all day - the damage from the telly was a lot less than the damage they would have got from what I wanted to say to them!

Not ideal but it is what got us through. And sure enough, the minute the babe was born I was back. The love I now feel for my children is very well cherished at the moment!

xo

Light at the end of the tunnel....

2011-08-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

I don't do depressed very well, as a rule. I get sad, sure, but I can never really commit. Usually when I get sad I can work it all through in a very logical manner. Sometimes I think about ways I could snap myself out of my melancholy, sometimes I recognise that I need a sad day and just let myself mope. 'It' would always go away without too much effort. As I said, I was never very committed to being depressed.

Until I got pregnant with my forth child. I now believe I probably had varying levels of pre-natal depression with my other children but I think circumstances conspired this pregnancy to make it all so much worse. I don't use the term depression lightly. Before this last pregnancy depression wasn't even something I really understood. I thought people who were depressed were just sad and that they just needed to snap out of it (like me when I'm sad). Even though I knew logically it wasn't that easy and I tried very hard to emphasise with them, deep down I did think that maybe it had just a bit to do with strength (insert embarrassed blush here).

I now see things a little differently. Depression is not simply sadness or anger or weakness. Depression is an insipid companion that lurks and pounces when you are not looking. It sucks the will to live out of you, sitting heavy on your chest until you no longer recognise yourself.

I stopped feeling. It scared the shit out of me. I got to the point where, if one of my children (who I love dearly) had broken their arm, I would have just looked at them and wished they would go away. I would lay in bed and just Not. Care. There were no feelings, I didn't feel that sad or angry like I have in my other pregnancies. It was like I was sitting on the edge of a big black hole. My life was nothing, I had no feelings for my husband or my children or my unborn baby. It was frightening. This feeling would last a few days and then I would feel myself coming out of it. I had no idea how long this reprieve would last before I once again felt that chilling feeling of utter despair, of nothingness creeping back over me like some sort of morbid veil. Ugh.

In the beginning I would try to be logical about it, like I would when I was sad. The thing with that was that as soon as I started thinking "ok, your sad - what can we do to snap you out of it?" (yes I talk to myself, who doesn't?) my brain would just shut down. I Don't Care was my mantra. What can I do to make myself better? I don't care. How can I help myself? I Don't Care. Etc, etc. I no longer knew who I was, I couldn't predict how I would react to things or treat people. I lost me for a while there. My entire life became pretence.

In the end I would recognise what was happening and try to protect the children from it as much as possible, arranging play dates before I got too bad, begging my husband/mother/mother in law to take them away before I spiralled out of control.I stopped speaking to friends, I stopped going out, I stayed tucked away in my bed where I didn't have to pretend as much. It was a hard time for everyone involved.

And that's the thing with depression, it doesn't just affect the person going through it. When I think of how my husband must have felt during that time my heart breaks. Imagine loving someone with all your heart knowing that it isn't enough. That you aren't good enough or strong enough or capable enough to make them happy. I think it scared him as much as it scared me (maybe more).

I am on the other side of it now. I hope never to go back there. I have come out of it with a huge understanding of what depression is, and what it means to be depressed. It has nothing to do with the strength of the individual, it's not sadness, it's not selfish, it's not simple.

There are so many places to get help, it is just hard to care enough sometimes. This was the key for me. It took me a while to realise that when I was depressed I wouldn't give enough of a shit to make the effort to get help and when I had come out of one of my 'episodes' I would just hope that it was over and that it wouldn't happen again. It was a vicious cycle. The key is to call when your feeling ok. Then you can put things in place for when you do start to spiral:

PANDA - Post Ante Natal Depression Association

Beyond Blue

Lifeline 13 11 14

My love and thoughts go out to everyone who has ever suffered this disease and to those who are still battling it.

xo

I'm baaack....

2011-08-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

Feeling the need to get back into blogging. It's been a while for a number of different reasons. Many of which require their own post.

The first of which I will introduce you to now:

Tomas Edward Pritchard born 29th July 2011 at 12.11am 11lbs4oz (5.2kg!)

Being pregnant and giving birth to Tom was life changing (as all pregnancies and births are) and I am looking forward to sharing more of our journey.

I have a feeling it will take a bit to adjust to being a mother of four but for me it is/will be far easier than being a pregnant mumma of three. Two weeks in and I feel like the fog has lifted and I am me again. Thanking whatever entity I believe in today as I was beginning to think I might have been gone for good.

xxoo

Our hospital experience...

2011-05-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

A wonderful friend of mine is going through some hard times at the moment, her little fella has been in hospital and just undergone MAJOR surgery. I was talking to her about it the other day and thought I would share my experience. Not comparing in anyway, just wanted to share.

I wrote this on the one year anniversary of Tiana getting sick....

1 Year Ago Today....

We almost lost our little girl.

Wow, this is going to be really hard, I'm crying already. I think it is needed though and will go towards some healing. I have a tendency to stick my head in the sand and pretend things didn't happen. Not healthy, so here goes....

28/2/2007 - It was around lunchtime and Tiana said she was feeling sick and didn't want any lunch. She went to bed and about 5 minutes later started SCREAMING. Really distressed and saying she had bad pain in her tummy, she was all curled up in a little ball and would not stretch out for me to feel her tummy.

I called the doc and told them I would be there in 15 minutes and thought it was her appendix. They agreed and I had to put Jake in the car asleep and scream over to my mother in laws to throw him into her arms. He started screaming as I walk away, poor little bugger didn't know what was going on. I had never left him before. He was 13 months old. I just really felt like Tiana needed me more than him at that moment :(. Little did I know it would be the first choice of many that I would have to make between them.

Tiana threw up in the car which seem to relieve the pain and she went to sleep. Got to the docs and they sent us to the Children's Hospital (Melbourne). I called Daniel and picked him up on my way through. Was told there that it wasn't her appendix because there was no 'guarding' and it was 'just gastro'. We were told to go home.

That night was one of the worst of my life (and I'm sure hers). She was in so much pain. It would build and build and then she would vomit and she would rest. She hadn't eaten since breaky the morning before but was throwing up copious amounts of dark green fluid. We ended up taking her in again first thing in the morning. Tiana passed out in the waiting room and we were rushed straight through. Many, many doctors examined her, she was moved to resus when it was discovered we couldn't wake her. This whole time we had Jake with us and at 13 months and just being able to walk it was a nightmare. Daniel and I didn't get a second with Tiana together, one of us was running after Jake the whole time.

I called my mum who I met in emergency. When she saw me she just broke down into sobs in front of everyone. It was the second time in my life I had seen her cry. The first was when my dad died. She couldn't even look at Tiana on the bed (who had had a drip put in and some oxygen tubes sitting on her nose) she didn't even wake when they put the drip in her.

Mum took my precious little boy home and we continued to sit with Tiana who regained consciousness. That first bit of excitement turned to despair when it was made clear just how much pain she was in. They put morphine into her drip and she calmed down.

No one could work out what the problem was. She was taken for an ultrasound. The room ended up having approximately 10 different people in it from various specialist fields. The ultrasound showed a VERY full tummy but she hadn't eaten for over 24 hours. There was also no sign of an inflamed appendix and she was a little young for appendicitis anyway (she was 3.5).

They decided to put a nasal gastric tube into her tummy to try to drain it. She woke up for the procedure and I had to help hold her down while they stuck the tube up her nose and down into her stomach. I have never heard her scream like that. Daniel and I were sobbing beside her.

They pulled out 3 litres o fwhat they called bilage. Which is very acidic bile. They thought she had a blocked bowel and did the tests for that but couldn't find anything. A urine bag was put on the end of the NG tube because the normal drainage bag would overflow too quick. By this stage we were no longer dealing with registrars and interns, the big gun surgeons were coming to see us. Dr. Maxwell reminded me very much of House, not a lot of bedside manor but very, very good at his job. I'll never forget him putting is hand on my shoulder and saying "well, the only good news I can give you is that she won't die today. Beyond that....who knows." By this stage she had lost consciousness again.

It was then thought that she had a really bad virus that could only be sat out.

I had to make the heart wrenching decision to leave her with Daniel and go home to my little boy who was at my mother in laws. I got there about midnight and it was clear that Jake had been distressed. Raelene (my mother in law) was sitting up on the recliner with him asleep on her shoulder. She hadn't been able to move for an hour. I took him to bed, put him on the boob and tried to get some sleep.

We went to the hospital early next morning and Tiana had had quite a bad night with them upping her morphine so she could sleep. Daniel had slept with her on her bed (ignoring the shitty little pullout thing they made up for him as well as the comments from some nurses!)

Her bag was drained regularly and she became much more lucid on morphine. She was still sleeping the majority of the days. She stayed this way for 4 days. She wasn't allowed any food or water and the really hard times were when she would quietly sob for water. I used to wait until she fell asleep then sit outside her room and sob quietly.

Daniel and I alternated nights leaving her, with me leaving the majority of the time because Jake would get too distressed when I was away. We hired a hotel room for a couple of nights that was across the road from the hospital which was perfect but expensive. Jake would spend the morning with us and then someone would come in and get him in the afternoon and either bring him back in the night or one of us would go home to him. It was exceptionally hard on him, he had no idea what had become of his life. None of us did. All of a sudden I was constantly having to choose between one child or the other. I don't think I will ever get over that, the guilt.

On the 5th day (after 3 different drips, each one a fucking nightmare to place) it was decided that her body was not coping through lack of nutrition and they would do 'exploratory surgery'. Scared the shit out of me but I was very hopeful that it was something thy could fix easily. Tiana went into surgery at 2.15pm Sunday. Only one of us could be with her as they put her under and I went. We had found a book about faeries in the waiting room and I took that with us. I got right up in her face as they were mucking around and was reading her the story, she was just into the story and didn't notice anyone else. The doc then had to pinch her throat as she went under. It was only a few seconds but there was a look of terror in her eyes as she looked at me. I felt like the worst mother in the world and thought I was going to vomit.

The surgery was over really quickly and they had found a fibrous band strangling the upper bowel. They said they had never seen one like this before, that sometimes they would be on newborns, generally around limbs and there had been some instances where they had had to amputate the limb because of damage. This didn't seem the case with Tiana, they had cut it off and thought the bowel looked sore and swollen but should recover full function. It seems she had had it from birth and all of her eating issues were related to it. As her bowel had grown, it had tightened, eventually kinking it.

We had another hard couple of days because they needed to monitor the amount of fluid coming out of her tummy so she was still nil by mouth. This was almost harder than before the op because she was feeling quite well and REALLY wanted something to drink. We had to scramble every time the food trolley came round to shut her curtains so she couldn't see the food. If it smelt too much we would stick her in her wheelchair and one of us would push her while the other tried to coordinate all the machines so they didn't rip the tubes out of her. I'll never forget the look on her face when she was finally allowed an icy pole.

She has never looked back. Her appetite is through the roof, this was something we had struggled with since introducing her to solids. Now she eats almost as much as me.

Jake didn't fair as well. At 13 months, he had not been exposed to any artificial preservatives or additives. When he was in everyone elses care he had very different foods to what he was used to (for the ease of whoever was looking after him and to keep him happy). I think this combined with a sudden drop in his breastfeeds meant he developed quite a severe reaction to anything even slightly artificial. He would get hives all over his face all the time. It took us ages to completely overhaul our diet so that there were no numbers whatsoever in anything we consumed. It was great in a way because we have pretty much stuck to it even though Jake stopped reacting.

I feel drained.....but strangely lighter. Now I'm off to pamper my beautiful children and to appreciate every moment with them.

It is still hard reading that - 4 years on. I have blocked a lot of it from memory, I rarely think about it anymore. I'm not sure how much of it Tiana remembers. She still has the scars on her tummy and proudly tells people where they came from. It was a huge experience for all of us and I do use it from time to time to reminder myself how good I have it.

To my wonderful Ange, hang in there mumma. We all love you and think of you and Deni often.

xxxooo

At first I thought I was going to die.......then I got scared that I wouldn't.

2011-04-08T19:43:00.001-07:00

This was how I described my first birth.

I have been doing some birth processing lately and one of the things that has struck my over the last few years is that sometimes we are not entirely honest with ourselves (or those around us) when it comes to talking about birth. I think, personally, I do this in an attempt to counteract the intense negative image of birth as it is portrayed in the media and general mainstream. As a result, some women can go into birth with a warped view and come out the other end feeling like a failure because they didn't achieve a pain free birth or an orgasmic birth.

I also get a bit pissed when people imply that I birth easily. Not. True.

When I think back on my birthing 'career' I am taken through such a journey of emotion. I was naive with my first baby (aren't we all?) and went into the entire process with huge trust for 'the experts'. 'They' would keep my baby safe, 'they' would keep me safe. I was not prepared for the intensity that was birth and it was only my stubbornness (and not knowing what was to come) that enable the drug free birth that it was. By the time I couldn't cope anymore, it was too late.

If I had to describe my daughters birth in just a few words they would be fear, horror, helplessness and pain. My heart still starts to beat faster and my stomach drops when I think of her birth. It really was that (at first) I was thinking I was dying - and that made me fear full. Then it got to the point that what I was going through was actually worse than death and I became scared that I wasn't going to die.

It was these emotions that I carried over into my second birth. I hadn't worked on any of the trauma I had sustained, hadn't explored any of the emotions and every time I thought of birthing while pregnant with my second child my brain would shut down. I just couldn't go there. I had share-care with a GP because visiting the hospital made me feel....weird. I couldn't have described it then but I now know that I was suffering from (mild) PTSD and what I was experiencing was flashbacks and emotional breaks.

I was proud of myself for giving birth naturally but didn't feel the need to do it again. On both my birth plans I had put that my preferred pain management was an epidural. Not gas, not pethidine. People wondered at the choice, it was made because I had been told in the ante-natal class that the epidural was the only thing that didn't cross the placenta. Any and all side effects would be to the mother. In my mind it was a sacrifice.

I laboured with J in a dark movie theatre. I was so fine, it was intense but felt like the good kind of hard work. You know, where you are really exerting yourself but feel really productive. As soon as I set foot in the hospital the pain started. And the panic attacks. Then I was told that the anesthetist's was going home and if I thought I would want pain relief at all now would be the time.

I was terrified. I curled up in the position required and sobbed through the procedure. At the time I felt like a complete failure, like I had screw my baby over and that I had lost all control. I had sold out. What followed confirmed every thought I had during that procedure. My baby was hurt, I was ignored and we both suffered terribly. And it was all my fault.

After the birth was a blur of trying to cope, trying to block out what had happened and feeling like an idiot because everyone was saying how fine everything was. I felt like Jake was going to die (I am looking back with a lot more clarity and so can put the feelings I was having then into words now) and felt paranoid and detached. It wasn't until he was one year old that my life changed. That is a story for another day but suffice to say I walked away from a gathering of women a completely different person.

It was at this meeting that I met two women (both of whom still influence my life in a big way today - one does it online for lots of people now!), one who had home-birthed her eight children and the other who was planning her first homebirth after a traumatic hospital birth. I asked her whether it was legal to birth at home in Australia :D

Within a year of that conversation I found myself pregnant with my third child. I found myself having to walk my talk. It was a pregnancy of processing, working through unsubstantiated fears and family mythology. Looking at all the evidence and having my world turned upside down. Changing my entire mind set around birth and pain and labour. It was full on. Pushing Tiana out and all the sensations that went along with it were so far in the past that I couldn't quite recall all the fuzzy details - not that I tried hard. I had not experienced the pain of childbirth for 4 and a half years.

I freebirthed Aron just 18 months after that conversation. Talk about quick learner :D

I found myself in the bath the other day, in the very spot that Aron had been born and the emotion that hit me was huge. His birth is still very fresh in my head and the thought of having to push another babe out my vagina makes me feel a little sick. This was a huge consideration for me when planning a fourth child.

Many people think I birth my babes at home because I birth easily, or because it isn't the same for me as it is for them. This really upsets me because the fact of the matter is that I don't really like labouring or giving birth. It terrifies me, it hurts me, it makes me just as small and out of control as everyone else.

So why do it this way? Because as much as it hurts to push a babe out, as scary as it all can be sometimes, the thought of handing myself and my baby over to someone else in an unfamiliar environment with scary, damaging temptations (ever heard of Just Say No campaign? I'm trying to get one started for birth as well), is so much worse. Staying in my own environment ensures that me and my baby get everything we deserve - respect, endorphins, love and true compassion.

Compare the title of this post (and my description of feelings from my first two births) to the last paragraph of Aron's birth story and why I do all this will become crystal clear:

The power and the pride I felt following this birth has never left me. It shines through every aspect of my life, even now. There are not many times when a woman can stand up and unashamedly shout from the roof tops “I am powerful, I am beautiful, I am a WOMAN”. That is the power of an unhindered birth.

The thing about children is....

2011-04-06T02:17:00.000-07:00

...that they grow up while you are busy letting all the small things shit you.

If I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't get upset or mad or angry that:

1)My almost-three-year-old woke up every hour and a half last night.

2)My 3 children found the finest dust available and proceeded to throw it up in the air and run under it so that it hit them square on the head requiring a full wash. Just after they had been making potions and covered themselves in a floury, gooey, disgusting mess also requiring full top to tail bathing.

3)That, as a result of the above antics, the hot water you were saving for a much required relaxing soak in the bath (by not showering that morning) was all gone and you had to boil the kettle to do the dishes.

4)That the lessons you had so painstakingly (and somewhat excitedly) prepared for that morning was met with luke-warm (at best) reception followed by obvious boredom and resulting silly behaviour.

5)That the dinner you had so painstakingly prepared (when all you felt like was baked beans on toast) was met with curled lips and whining complaints.

6)That you will sit and read the SAME book for the millionth time and then sing the SAME songs and even then still have to get milk and a snack and....

7)That, even as you type, you know that the house was being trashed for the 4th time today and that it is all going to start again tomorrow. Or should that be tonight when my youngest wakes for the first time?

I wouldn't spend so much time being angry at them, resenting the mess and the chaos and the noise and sleep deprivation because,

1)I would cherish that time with my almost-three-year-old, in the dark of the night when the house is quiet and there is no one else around to distract me from him.

2)I would marvel at the way the dust caught the sunlight, delight in the beautiful day and get immense happiness from the unbridled joy on my children's faces as they explored the tactile perfections of this world.

3)Hot water will be there again tomorrow and the next day and the next day....and not having a shower for a day will.not.kill.me.

4)My interests are not my children's interest and the joy I got out of preparing that lesson is still there. I just need to find someone else to share it with.

5)Sometimes everyone just feels like baked beans on toast, including the kids ;)

6)When your three needy youngsters are 14, 16 and 18 you will be wishing that they were tucked up in bed letting you spoon them as they fall asleep listening to corny lullaby's.

7)...because:

Love leaves the dust in search of a child's laugh.
Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.

Love wipes away the tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.
Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.

I have been in need of some reminders these past couple of days that childhood is short, that my beautiful, wonderful, amazing children will not think that I am all that is needed to fix the world for much longer and that I am completely and hopelessly flawed. Just sometimes I need to stand back and smell the roses and marvel in the true blessing that is raising a family.

My breathe gets taken away on an almost daily bases by how big my children have gotten.

Here are some things that I use for that very purpose (and when I need a good cry):

Some houses try to hide the fact
That children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly,
The signs are every where.

For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges on the doors;
I should apologize I guess
For toys strewn on the floor.

But I sat down with the children
And we played and laughed and read,
And if the doorbell doesn't shine,
Their eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I'm forced to
Choose the one job or the other,
I want to be a housewife...
But first I'll be a mother.

Cooking and cleaning can wait til tomorrow
For babies grow up, I've learned to my sorrow
So, settle down cobwebs. Dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep

"Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff." - Catherine M. Wallace

They are so little for such a short time, please hold your babies, sleep with them for as long as they need it, speak to them gently and with love and don't be too hard on them or yourself. The housework will not go away (or grow up) but your children will.

*Photo by Gerard Assi

On food and TV.....

2011-03-25T16:44:00.000-07:00

Our lifestyle affords us lots of freedom. And freedom is something that I actively encourage on a daily basis. I love that my kids can explore, dance, create, rage and scream whenever they feel like it (within the natural confines of a growing family). Having 33 acres of paradise helps too :D

I am quite solidly of the belief that children know their limits better than anyone, especially when they have been able to develop a healthy sense of themselves and their world without too much arbitrary constraint.

Where this stops (for me), however, is with entirely artificial substances and environments. Namely TV and artificial food.

I regulate both of these quite rigidly because I truly believe that our children are incapable of it themselves. I wouldn't expect them to be able to regulate caffeine or nicotine intake (adults find it difficult if not impossible due to the addictive nature of these drugs) and I view the television and artificially processed foods to be on the same level. Shocking I know :D

In his book Remotely Controlled - How television is damaging our lives, Aric Sigman outlines how TV actually alters brain patterns and turns off/damages whole areas of the brain which has been directly linked with the development of ADHD, obesity, violence and the rampant and insipid control of society.

I was surprised to find out that the obesity link is not (as I thought) simply due to people spending hours on the couch sitting still. Nor is it to do with the fact that poor food choices are advertised to make you think you will literally keel over if you can't get your hands on a "Grand Angus" (yes I'm pregnant lol). No, it has to do with the fact that watching TV actually affects the area of your brain that controls food intake - specifically the "full" feeling we get whilst eating. It has also been shown that when you sit watching tele you burn significantly less calories than you would sitting perfectly still reading a book or listening to the radio. Scary shit.

The violence stuff was pretty scary too. Quoting a major study in the Journal of the American Medical Association, Sigman says that:

If, hypothetically, television technology had never been developed, there would today be 10,000 fewer homicides each year in the United States, 70,000 fewer rapes, and 700,000 fewer injurious assaults. Violent crime would be half of what it is. (Page 120)

I think part of this is that many of these crimes are almost romanticised on tv, just one message that is sent into our living rooms every single day. One of many. If you think about the majority of the ads and television programs, most of the messages are about the fact that aging is bad, mothers should be attractive and working, children are well behaved and well adjusted and that you can not possibly be happy unless you live in a McMansion with 3 cars and a beautifully groomed dog. Oh, and don't forget the fact that you are probably suffering from a vast array of diseases simply because you waist is too wide, your eyes are too red, your feet are too small or your nose is too big.

Sigman also points out the fact that the TV is used to tell us exactly what to think:

Advertising techniques are being used not only during commercial breaks and not only to sell you products – they are also employed to change the way we think and feel about issues in our society. Television provides the best means of persuading you to buy into the right values. (Page 209)

And:

Today, we are enlightened by the most effective vehicle for social engineering ever envisaged. Our views and attitudes towards everything from domestic violence, drug abuse, divorce and single motherhood to immigration and racial groups are carefully manipulated by decisions taken behind the screen. (Page 210)

And last (but not least!) on the topic of tele, the average Australian spends an average of TWELVE YEARS of their life watching television...! Imagine what else could have been accomplished in that time.

The food thing is a similar (though not quite) beast for me. I have no doubt that children can self-regulate their food intake when faced with those foods that are found in nature and that our bodies would have specific body memory of. Where this falls down for me though, is that so many new and artificial substances have been created in the past 50 years that our bodies just haven't caught up. That and the fact that know one knows exactly what affect these chemicals are/will have on the make up of our bodies.

In the USA, per capita production of artificial food colours increased from 12 mg in 1955, to 32 mg in 1975, to 47 mg in 1998, a fourfold increase over four decades. During roughly the same period, the production of MSG increased approximately fortyfold and use of new additives such as the bread preservative and ribonucleotide flavour enhancers (627,631,635) has become widespread. We have no idea of the extent of damage this is doing to our physical and mental make up yet. And (like tv) I believe that these chemicals alter the natural instincts of the brain to regulate what is needed and what is not.

And it is not only the man-made things that worry me. Highly processed sugars and flours are a worry as well. Children have an inbuilt system which predisposes them to eating sweet foods. Back in the day this was to guard against eating poisonous foods (unripe fruit is very bitter for example), however this now makes sugary food very hard for them to regulate.

My children self regulate their own food intake. We have no restrictions when it comes to what (or when) the children eat. But, we also do not have anything that is very high in food additives, chemicals, artificialness or anything too sweet (they don't call sugar the white mans cocaine for nothing!) in the house (not where they can find it anyway ;P). In this way we can do the whole self-regulation thing, but within appropriately guided parameters.

I have to end with the fact that (in my family) not watching any TV and eating only whole, natural foods is our ideal. One that is not always very attainable. I also believe that we have to live within the society in which we find ourselves. As such, I do not regulate the children's eating when we are out. If we are at a birthday party that has fairy bread, lollies, chicken nuggets and *shudder* mini frankfurters, I usually just don't look :D

We also have some of these things (the ones I deem not *too* bad) at home from time to time. I do think that making any food "forbidden" adds to the glamour of it. Nothing is forbidden to my kids, it is just not always around for them to have.

Same goes for telly. I use telly as a tool. Sometimes my children genuinely need the down time. Sometimes I need to not be a parent anymore. In our society, where parenting is done in an unnaturally isolated way, I have been known to turn to an unnatural babysitter. I just do so knowing the full impact of my decision and I stay aware of the cumulative effects on everyone.

I'll put my soapbox aside for now and go and rescue my kids brains from the TV (which has enabled me to write this blog post on how bad TV is ;P).

xo

unschool monday :: on a sunday, cause I can!

2011-02-19T18:48:00.000-08:00

It is one of the things about unschooling that I love! The words "cause I can...".

A recent facebook status of mine was "Heading bush for a couple of days, 'cause we can!" Hubby's work that he was supposed to be doing on Thursday and Friday last week cancelled so we packed the car with the bare minimum and escaped from the world. I love that we do this regularly, it is such an awesome way to reconnect. Not just with the kids and each other but with ourselves (on a more genuine level).

Another reason I am posting this today is because tomorrow is going to be CRAZY. In a good way. I have a BaBs meeting in the morning at a wonderful woman's house. This woman was my official guinea pig in my doula career and I love her and her wee one to bits. The kids love her too which makes these sorts of meetings so much easier.

Then we have the Home Education Network's (HEN's) first committee meeting of the year. I really love these meetings, they are HUGE. People come from all over the state to eat and connect and share the home-ed love. I am so lucky that the meetings are always held so close to where we live. I'm really feeling the need to see all of these lovely people and there incredible children, it is always nice to feel normal for a little while. And I love how motivated I feel after talking with so many truly inspirational people!

Joining in with the owlets for unchool monday!

unschool monday :: playing with stereo-types

2011-02-13T19:56:00.000-08:00

Define normal lol.

I guess whatever your definition is, we would only fit into what a small proportion of the wider community would see as normal. I'm ok with that, I actually love my bubble and do get quite shocked when circumstance demands we venture from it. My children are quite comfortable as well. It is only recently that Tiana (7.5) realised that most children go to school.

My oldest two had their first swimming lessons on Friday evening. They were fine, I was a little nervous. Tiana does dancing and has done a variety of different formal learning type things - mixing with 'main streamers' in the process. Each time we have started something new I have felt kinda sick. It always means a new batch of people looking at you like you have a second head, more questions, more judgements.

I remember one woman, on learning that Tiana didn't go to school, literally turned her back on me mid conversation. Or the time when the entire room of adults went silent after overhearing I was birthing my baby at home, only to be punctuated by a stage whispered - "Oh, a bit naive don't you think, I mean I would have DIED if I had have chosen something like that". Or the to-numerous-to-count polite smiles, nods and subsequent silence. For the rest of term. I could go on.

I have learned to be fairly self contained at these sorts of things now. I no longer take any of this stuff to heart and have had some really lovely conversations in amongst it all. One thing I love about mixing with people who have different opinions and beliefs is that I get to dispel quite a few stereo-types. My husband and I are fairly young - still in our mid twenties, we wear jeans and our children mostly wear shoes and.....wait for it....neither of us have dreadlocks! I have heard on more than one occasion that people are surprised that we are both educated, intelligent, decidedly middle class people.

Back to the pool though. The kids were incredible, at the beginning of the class I told the swim teacher that Jake (5) had never had a formal lesson in his life and I wasn't sure how he would go. She looked a little scared but recovered quickly. At the end of the lesson, she came up to me and said "wow, considering they are home-schooled, they were really confident and outgoing!" I took it as a compliment, but couldn't help wondering what she expected ;D

I'm joining in with the owlets unschool monday!

unschool monday - doing it all wrong.

2011-02-06T19:44:00.000-08:00

I have been dying to join in with the owlets but have been too lazy (or busy ;-) to get into gear with it all.

Reading Shae's unschool monday post has inspired me to finally join in.

It has been a hard few months here on the farm. Towards the end of last year I realised I was doing it all wrong. My children were bored. I was using the 'unschooling' label as an excuse not to interact with them. I was so busy with my own stuff that it got easy to just wave them off (oh, we unschool - go and learn *pat on the head*). Life wasn't great.

So I started to look at why it wasn't great and what I could do to change it. The answer of course was to spend more time with my children. I thought I needed some fairly structured ways of hanging out with the kids so started exploring curriculum's.

I came across the workbox system which I love! We use it in a similar way to what unschoolers call 'strewing' (where you strew interesting things were kids will pick it up and get all inspired and stuff). We have 3 sets of drawers (one for each child) with 5 drawers each. Most nights I put interesting little things in each drawer, Tiana and Jake LOVE it, Aron doesn't really get it yet but it does hold his attention for a while.

Another thing I have recently discovered has been the Five in a Row method of 'teaching'. Again, I have adjusted it to suit our family but the basic premise is that you pick a really good quality book and read it every day for five days. Each day you talk about a different aspect of the book. For instance, the book we recently did was set in China in the 1930's. So Monday we had a talk about China - where it is, what the people look like, what language they use etc. The second day we chatted about China in the 1930's. If you wanted to do the whole maths thing I guess you could show the children an abacus and talk about its history. Out local Chinese takeaway has an older Chinese lady working there who still uses an abacus to add up orders. We went there and she showed the kids how to use it along with many Chinese words.

We used some water colours (because the illustrations of the book were water colours) and looked at Chinese art and written words. We cooked Chinese meals and Tiana grew fascinated with the clothes of 1930's China. We ended up learning about China for about 3 weeks, it was so much fun.

So, are we still unschoolers? I dunno, to be honest I'm not entirely sure of the definition. We are probably still doing it wrong but these past few weeks I have rediscovered just how awesome my children are, how much I love being with them and how grateful I am to be able to share their learning journey so closely.

This week Jake would have gone to school, Tiana would have been in Grade 2. How different our life would be! To steal from Shae's unschooling post:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

What an adventure :D

xo

The "naughties"....

2011-01-09T14:37:00.000-08:00

It has been ages since I have blogged, I thought it appropriate that my first blog in months (and first blog for 2011) should be a wrap up of the last ten years.

Inspired by a few people (and loving Sazz's title the best lol) I thought I would record the decade that was. It has been a full on ten years for me, there has not been a single year that something major didn't happen.

2000
Daniel and I kissed for the first time in March and officially hooked up in May. It got pretty intense quickly, I knew from the very beginning that this was not an ordinary teenage romance :)

Dad died in October of this year after a horrendous battle with stomach cancer. Big lessons, intense times, lots of conflicting emotions.

2001
Year 12, struggled with study and wanting to be 'free'. Was really ready to move on, worked at Safeway and dreamed with Daniel. Got accepted into Behavioural Science at Monash Uni.

2002
At the tender age of 17 I moved into a house with Daniel in reservoir. He was doing his arbiculture apprenticeship and I work a comedy of different jobs (I had taken a gap year from Uni). This year was a struggle to make our two very different lives combine. Working out boundaries, learning how to run a house and live off very little income - I loved it.
I got pregnant in October of this year and remember the conflicting emotions of the pregnancy (early on in the pregnancy anyway). Daniels family were great about it, mine not so much. I made peace with the fact that we were having a baby pretty quickly and was very much looking forward to it.
Daniel also snapped his leg in half (yuck) and was in hospy for a bit, we got 6 months together where he wasn't working. Many predicted the end of the relationship but we loved it!

2003
Started uni by distance ed. I really enjoyed it and started to feel really on top of life. Gave birth in July and while the birth was not awesome, motherhood was the best thing I had (have) ever experienced. When the domiciliary nurse came out to the house on day 4 and said how you going? I responded with "brilliant!" She had never heard that before :) This would have to be one of the best years. Daniel proposed (not sure when though rolf).

2004
Moved into mums house cause we bought some land and decided to build a house. Got married in June on a party boat. Awesome. Tiana turned one and Daniel changed jobs.

2005
Moved into a little tiny farm house on some land that Daniels work owned. I LOVED that house. We only lived there for a few months but it was so cool cause Daniel would come home at smoko and lunch. Jake was conceived in that house in the May. We moved into our own house in the July of that year and it was such an awesome achievement.

2006
Jake was born in January and his birth would set the tone of the year. While the birth was ok, the treatment we both received afterwards was nothing less than devastating and we both live with the consequences of it. It proved to be a huge learning curve for me.
This year was a tough one for all of us. I struggled adjusting to a family of four, juggling the kids needs was harder than I ever imagined. I was very caught up in mainstream parenting - putting on a happy face, no complaining, kids had to be well behaved and clean and perfect. I struggled so hard with it because I was not a mainstream parent but was unwilling to admit it cause I didn't want to be weird. So I pretended to be normal always guilty that I wasn't "tough enough" or "strong enough".
From this shitty place Daniel and I decided to sell the house (a mortgage really wasn't for us at this stage - it felt like a noose) and go around Australia on the profits. We made quite a bit off the house and bought a car and caravan and felt like we were finally getting back on track.

2007
I met some amazing women in the beginning of this year. It is rare that you have a single point in your life that you can say this is where it all changed. Well I do. It was my first ABA meeting (I first heard of the ABA at Tiana's 3yo kinder) and this meeting was at the house of a woman with 8 children, 7 of whom were home "schooled". All of whom were home birthed and there was another mumma there who was pregnant and planning her first home birth. To say my mind was blown would be an understatement.
From that point in my life I began reading, talking (non-stop lol) and LEARNING. It was good to leave for our trip to be honest because it gave me some processing time. This was the year I figured out who I was.
I also got pregnant with Aron on the trip and we decided to cut it short (after about 8 months) so that I could come home and concentrate on making and birthing a baby.
This is also a really stand out year for me.

2008
This was the year that my talk had to turn into my walk. A mere 18months after discovering homebirth was a valid option I birthed my third child into his daddy's hands in our bathtub. It was just Daniel and I at the actual birth with the two older kids watching TV in the other room.
This was a huge year for us. We started a business in April, had a baby in May, built a house and moved into it in December.

2009
This would have to be our 'quietest' year this decade. We concentrated on the business and I went really ramped up my involvement in the community. I took over BaBs (along with one of the original women who started it) and began my ABA training. I got much more involved in the home-ed scene and joined the HEN committee. I fell in love with the life that we had chosen and the people who were in it. We did a lot of soul searching this year and made some big plans for the future. We decided to put the house on the market and buy the farm I grew up on.
Mum would be able to retire and we would get some land.

2010
The house finally sold and we moved onto the farm in June. The business became more of a priority and negotiations for fourth child continued.
I struggled to find a balance between the needs of all the family (including myself). I did my doula training and attended some beautiful, life changing births. I made some big decisions and had to do a lot of growing up. Babe number 4 was conceived in November :)

It has been a huge decade and I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned and the experiences I have had. I really feel like I have squeezed so much in. I have a feeling the next ten years my not be so full on but I have not doubt they will be just as enjoyable (maybe even more so!)

Why don't doctors listen?

2010-12-03T00:43:00.000-08:00

It has been a long day. It has been a really long week actually and I have a chronically sick husband (who is thankfully passed out right now), three children who I have barely seen for two days, a house that is speaking to me and an all day ballet concert to prepare for tomorrow. So this is going to be an emotional, badly structured mind spew post, I just have to get some things off my chest while they are fresh.

We spent all day at the hospital today. We have spent all week in and out of the GP's office. I have spent an uncharacteristically amount of time in the company of doctors (and to a lesser extent nurses) in the past week and I am feeling.....awful. Or.....drained, or maybe.......unheard, unacknowledged and disregarded.

I have said the same thing over and over and over again. Admittedly to different people but what gets me is that each one of these people seem to be writing the whole time I'm talking. So is my story on 20 different bits of paper somewhere in the ether?? More and more it feels like they must be emailing there friends ...... "just listening to some more winging, we meet you for lunch in 10"......all the while glancing up at appropriate intervals looking sympathetic.

Daniel has had some really strange reactions to medications in his time. He once snapped his leg bone in half and waited in the waiting room for 8 hours before they xrayed him. When the results came back he was in surgery within the hour. They gave him his meds to knock him out and asked him to count backwards, when he got to 0 everyone just stared at him blankly. They eventually managed to knock him out, suffice to say he woke up out of that one very badly.

We were in hospy at the beginning of last year cause his back was so bad that he couldn't move. 4 morphine shots later they finally believed me when I said he didn't react to morphine.

He was prescribed prednisolone (a powerful steroid to get the swelling under control) and had the opposite reaction to what normally happens. It is meant to make you hyper, as soon as he has one he literally lays down (where ever that may be) and goes to sleep.

He was in so much pain today but it really didn't matter what I said I couldn't get him any pain meds cause it wasn't our turn. When it was our turn he was handed 4 little pills. For fucks sake, you make him wait in agony for 2 hours (by this time he was sweating, had uncontrollable shakes and was a strange grey colour) all for a few pills??? Surely they could have just been handed over at triage. Grrrrrr.

Then I had just finished telling the doc about his strange reaction to the pred (which is worrying me) which he conveniently doesn't respond too, then as he is finishing up I say "look, he is in so much pain, I have some prednisolone here could I just give him some so that he can sleep?" to which this doc replies "Oh no, prednisolone doesn't have that effect, it has the opposite". Are you kidding??? I obviously would have been better off talking to the machine that went "ping!".

This same doc kept offering morphine (surprise, surprise) and when told that he didn't react to morphine his response was "oh well, he obviously didn't have a high enough dose." How silly of me, 4 shots clearly isn't enough. Tut, tut. He seemed to take it as a bit of a challenge and kept wanting Daniel to have the morphine, it felt like he really wanted to see what would happen. Ah, no thanks. Eventually I told him what a pharmacist (and google) had told me. He is missing certain enzymes in his liver that process morphine so the drug really doesn't have much of an affect. To which he just rolled his eyes, naturally.

I could so go on and on and on.

Trying to look at it from their point of view I guess they see a lot of idiots, and know alls and druggies and generally unsavoury type people. I guess I just wish they didn't treat us like that. Cause we're not. Just because we don't have a medical degree doesn't mean we belong to some other (lesser) species.

A doctors job must be so hard and I know everyone has bad days but a little compassion (and some listening skills) could make all the difference. I'm also really aware that not all doctors are like this. I have come across some pretty amazing ones, it just that this week has been a corker.

To all those that work in the medical profession, don't let the idiots you encounter cloud your vision of everyone. Oh, and your degree doesn't automatically award you a higher status than everyone else, k? Just saying :)

Not even proof reading, just posting. Thanks for listening.

xo

2010-11-22T19:10:00.000-08:00

I got an award! Yay, feels awesome to be acknowledged. I like the "versatile" label as well lol. So with the award comes some responsibility, 3 tasks I have to complete. So here goes:

Task 1. Thank the person who gave you the award: Big, huge thanks to Shae over at Yay for Home. Love, love her blog and think she is one of the kindest, funniest, smartest people I know. Feel very proud to call her a friend :D

Task 2. Share 7 things about yourself:

Oh god. Ok.

1)My middle name is Claire (I'll start boring and get....boringer lol)

2)My husband named all our children because he thinks I suck at names and I think he is ok at names :D

3)I really SUCK at doing the washing. Virtually everything I wash comes out smaller or bigger or a different colour or dirtier than when it went it. I've stopped caring.

4)I lived in Singapore for 2 years from ages 10 to 12.

5)My first babe was born when I had just turned 19.

6)I can't cook bacon and eggs. I can cook so many other things but my timing is always out with bacon and eggs. Go figure.

7)I was totally sucked in by Big Brother, I missed the last 2 seasons because we were TV free but I so would have watched them if I could have.

Task 3. Pass the award onto 12 Bloggers you have recently discovered.

12?? I'll try, not sure I even follow 12 blogs.

1)the engineer's other life - a friend of mine from high school. I love this blog, it has some great recipes on it and lots of clothes making.

2)A year at the Op Shop - mumma of two who is challenging herself to a year free of consumerism! Love her photos and the way she writes (and I get so much inspiration from this blog).

3)The fruits of Sarah - love her in real life and love her blog. A single attachment/unschooling mumma to two girls.

4)and all that Sazz - a very versatile blog! Lots of birthy/breastfeeding/preggo stuff on here. An awesome birth servant friend.

5)owlet - this is one of the most beautiful blogs I have seen. Lots of different stuff - unschooling, crafty things and beautiful photography.

6)Why Would I Wanna Grow Up? - a new blog but I am loving the way she expresses herself. Interesting seeing a young mothers perspective.

7)Picklebums - I am loving Picklebums lately. Lots of great activities and inspiring ideas for the kidlets.

8)MoederKip - lots of beautiful clothes and lovely thoughts from an awesome friend.

9)Confessions of a Homeschooler - a very popular American blog about homeSCHOOLING, a little bit different to what I usually read but I am learning so much from this blog about organisation and children's activities.

10)I'm Unschooled. Yes, I Can Write. - another really popular blog that I have only just discovered! Lots of great information on here about Unschooling.

11)Wild as Weeds - another one I have only just discovered but I love her creativity and eloquence.

12)By the seat of our pants - an awesome lyrical blog about unschooling and creativity.

Done :D

xo

Change is hard

2010-11-17T19:01:00.001-08:00

Many things in my life have had to change pretty rapidly over the last few months. I finally feel like I am getting there with all of this and thought a change of blog design would reflect it nicely :)

For me at the moment it is all about balance and for a long time I have not been happy with the balance in my life. The problem with this is that a) change is HARD and b) disappointing people sux.

What I wasn't getting, however, was that the people I was disappointing was those closest to me. A very wise woman said to me (and I believe this was the definable beginning for me)that I didn't want my grown up children wishing I had spent the same amount of time with them as I do with the women I serve. This really hit a nerve with me and I was started seeing that this was already becoming an issue.

I don't think I am alone when it comes to this issue. Especially among birth workers. Burn out is all to real a problem when there are no set hours, very little predictability and huge responsibility. This is often compounded by the fact that birth workers are generally the primary care givers and have the added burden of being responsible for organising the care of their children at extremely odd hours.

What I am trying to get at is that some things in my life have to give so that I can be more of who I want to be. And what I want most in this world is to be all I can be, first for my children and then for my family and then for everyone else in the world. In that order.

So while my children are so little, I will be focusing less on my own interests and more on their interests. It has taken me a surprisingly long time to come to this - mostly because I didn't want to. I'm coming to a place of peace with it though and I will not give up entirely. I will continue to support pregnant and birthing women and young families in general, just not all the time.

It is funny cause I am so on board with the little baby stuff. When I talk at antenatal classes and new mothers groups I always talk about how short this real dependence is and how it is not a sacrifice but an investment. All of this advice can easily be applied to children as they get older.

Having babies so young means that I am going to have an entire lifetime without them reliant on me. For me, these past few months have been a huge lesson in patience and in growing up. And as always, the zen of my children has finally penetrated my thick skull :D

xo

Wordless Wednesday...

2010-11-16T17:03:00.000-08:00

Lemiwink's birth story - Doula's perspective.

2010-10-31T21:53:00.000-07:00

As requested here, I'm going to write Lemiwink's birth story from my perspective. For this I will be calling on some gut instinct mixed with a healthy does of imagination and some knowledge of those involved ;D.

Dear Sazz,

It has taken me so long to write this because (among other things) I really won't have much to write. I can't see me playing a big role in this lil ones story to be honest, not that I wouldn't be honoured beyond belief to be proven wrong of course. I just think you've got this one.

I have the date in mind, I have discussed this with you and found out that it is the same one that has been floating around your head for some time. For the purposes of this blogpost we will be calling that date X :)

On the evening before X you and I have a lovely chat, using the word lovely loosely here cause I'm pretty sure only birth workers would enjoy chatting about mucous, poo's and yoni's. I go to bed with the feeling that comes before pending birth.

It is 2am and I receive a message. It says something along the lines of "things are definitely happening now...we were right! Going to bed, hope your sleeping and this didn't wake you, just had to tell someone xo" yep. Right. Thanks for that.

I go back to a restless, vigilant sleep with my clothes next to me and my doula bag in the car ready to go.

Phone call at 5am from Easely, update on Sazz's surges and the emotional well being of all involved. Harri still sound asleep, E sounding tired but happy. It is suggested I start making my way there.

Kiss my sleeping family goodbye and head off. It is a stunning morning, one of those ones that you read about and I am struck by how perfect the world is. The phone rings at 6.15am - it's a baby boy! H slept through it but has been woken to meet her baby brother.

I arrive just after the placenta is born, I cook a big breaky for everyone. Clean the house and tuck you, E and 2 bubs into bed. Sit on the edge of the bed while you and E tell your story. I then potter around tidying and soaking in the newness of the energy.

I am forseeing ease in my future :)But I know you know I can handle anything you (and this babe) can throw at me ;)

You servant in birth,

Jess xo

My YES project

2010-10-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

Shae over at Yay For Home has inspired me to partake in the YES project.

When I first heard that she was doing this project my immediate thought was "I'm pretty good at saying yes to my kids." Watching (and talking) to Shae about this though has got me thinking. And I have realised that I really don't say yes very much. And when I do it is in a martyrish sort of way, as in "oh alright!" *big sigh* *eye rolls* *huff, huff*. Watching our mutual friend for just a few minutes made me see just how hard I make it.

I don't mean to be permissive. Far from it. I do believe that being a permissive parent is just as harmful as being to authoritarian. And I guess it is all a bit subjective but what I am aiming to do is a) pick my battles, really think about saying no and the reason's behind me saying no, b) think about my children's feelings more and c) not turn everything into a drama.

For example, the car for us is arsenic (most of the time) which sucks because we are in it so much. I was driving the other day with the three kids in the back and Jake (my 4yo) dropped whatever it was he was playing with. Que the waterworks. Ordinarily I would have said something along the lines of "suck it up, I'm driving I can't reach it." But, true to my points above, I stopped and thought about it. I pulled the car over and got his toy. Drama over, time lost less than a minute, no shouting.

I say no to painting a lot. Last night though I decided to say yes for once. And it was FINE! All I had to do was supervise. And the mess was not so bad, not for the joy the kids got out of it anyway.

I will often get caught up in computer/work stuff. This often results in the "hmmmm, um sure in a sec!" And this is usually just to simple requests - a sandwich, a drink etc. I am making more of an effort to go as soon as they ask now. I do find it funny (and disturbing?) sometimes that we, as adults, expect our kids to jump as soon as our mouths open (and get quite shitty if they don't) but we rarely give them the same respect. And if we do, we are seen to be pandering to their every whim!

I do have some boundaries that will not budge - our "non-negotiables". I pull rank a lot of the time and my children know it. I often say to them I'm pulling rank, they get it. Most of these are to do with safety, hygiene or personal space. And yes I have personal space (and time) as well.

For me this project is about not making my children feel like things are a huge effort, cause they really aren't! It's about enjoying them (along with their needs and wants) now because I know that I will look back on this time with a little ache in my heart, wishing I had enjoyed it all a little more while I had the chance.

xxoo

The United States of Jess.

2010-10-04T20:23:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would take a moment to blog about what is going on in my life at the moment. I seem to have a problem with doing nothing. I get bored easily and so always have numerous balls in the air. Things just seem to have a way of happening to me too that I can't always explain. I struggle saying no as well which probably contributes.

My love and passion in life is parenting. My children are the reason I am who I am and do the things I do. I am pretty solid in what I think is the "right" way to raise kids and I spend a lot of time trying to be everything I can be for them (and constantly changing the parameters of "right"). I find this is my hardest job ever. Being a parent pushes me to limits I never thought existed in me and then much, much further. Because of them I have explored the very nature of what makes us who we are and have found some exceptionally surprising answers. I have reassessed all I have ever thought I knew about just about everything. I am more of a person because of them.

I keep them close. I truly believe in the benefits of home-education. Or maybe I should re-word that. I truly believe in the damage that is done by our current school system. It is part of who I am as a parent to protect them from that irrevocable damage. Not that I don't think I am not damaging them myself. Far from it. I'm not perfect, but I am better than a stranger with less than ideal training and a very large number of children that need to be controlled well before they can be taught anything. I am on the Home Education Network committee and am an editor and regular contributor to their magazine Otherways. I also manage the website.

My other passion in life is all things birth and breastfeeding, as you could probably tell if you are a regular reader. I am so happy when I am in a room full of bellies, boobs and babies! From the moment I birthed my daughter over 7 years ago I knew that I would work with birth in some way. I immediately changed my plans (I was studying behavioural science at Monash at the time with the ultimate goal of working in the forensic field) to study midwifery. I now help run the Macedon Ranges BaBs group, am 1 birth off being a qualified doula, an (slowly) getting my cert 4 in breastfeeding counselling and community education and am constantly lobbying for the rights of women to birth where and with whom they choose.

I have a birth coming up in December, one in March and another 2 maybes for around April/May.

Through all of this, we need to make money. Ahhhh, one of the banes of my life. I really, really want financial independence (who doesn't??) to be able to be free to do the things I am passionate about. We seem to have a fairly high risk tolerance and we started our own business (in which Daniel and I are partners) in April 2008 - yes exactly one month before the birth of our third child. Daniel left his "day" job in June and we have been riding the self-employed roller coaster ever since. My job generally entails all the book work, I do the BAS every quarter and have just taught myself to use MYOB. I co-ordinate the job - everything from arranging materials to getting paid falls on my shoulders. When Daniel is on a job I have to be available to call suppliers and clients and need to be able to drop pretty much everything to make sure it all goes smoothly. I built our website (which I am very proud of) and have puts lots of energy and thought into branding and advertising.

As a side passion (and one that has the most potential to free us financially), Daniel and I are both good at real estate. Bores the sox off of most people I meet but we have always trolled through realestate.com and looked at display homes just cause. Even before children. We bought our first block of land (and built on it) when I was just 20 years old and have since made a fair bit of money building and selling. We have bought the house we would like to stay in now (30acres of pure bliss - well it will be when we are done with it!) and now have to step this game up. We are currently working in a partnership with another investor and are going to bid on our first development site on Saturday! Extremely excited (but pretending not to be)!!!!!! We will be renovating the front house and building units on the back of the block. What's that?? BOOO HISSSSS. Yes well. I sometimes struggle ethically but people need affordable housing and blah, blah, blah. I am now in the process of getting our fledgling company off the ground and will pay all your mortgages when we are millionaires. You can thank me later.

So. This is who I am, these are the things that are shaping my life at this point in time. I'm pretty busy with it all and struggle to fit what I need to in. I would like to keep my house cleaner, I would like to spend more time with my children/my husband/my friends/myself. Daylight savings has shitted me off because as if I wasn't struggling hard enough, now I've just lost an hour!

I'm trying to keep all things in perspective and keep my priorities straight. Most of all I'm trying to take some time to enjoy it all because we have built a pretty amazing life and I sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses.

I really am blessed to know the people I know and I hope they know how much they mean to me even though it must seem like I'm not making time for them.

xxoo

On this day 61 years ago....

2010-10-03T17:32:00.000-07:00

My Dad was born.

He is one of a set. Graham and Peter Spencer were born very premature weighing under a kilo and just over respectively.

I really want to write their birth story and have realised how little I actually know about it. I know they were born early and that they were baptised at the hospital because no one thought they would make it. I know that Nan gave birth at the age of 19 and am not sure what happened to their biological father. I wonder what it was like for my unwed 19 year old grandmother back in 1949? I know that she had the support of her mother and that the boys lives were "saved" by carnation condensed milk.

Definitely a story I want to get and document.

October is a pretty hard month for me. I think about Dad a lot this month and usually try to take some time out to go and visit his grave and try to reconnect with him a little. I miss him every single day and still cry sometimes about the fact that my precious children never got to meet him and have him in their life.

I often wonder what the conversations would be like between my Dad and my adult self. We used to rock the deep stuff when I was younger and I could only imagine the depths he would have been able to push me now.

I wonder what he thinks about the path I've chosen.

I miss his sense of humour (even though I used to be mortified by it!)

I am finally letting go of some of the guilt I have held onto for so many years. I realise now that when your are a teenager you say things and do things that (although very normal) are kinda shitty. The problem with having a parent die in the middle of that time is that you never get forgiven for it.

I didn't have a very conventional upbringing. It is amazing the clarity you get as an adult though. Especially an adult who is a parent. I know that Dad was just a man who was doing the best he could.

His death has shaped me in ways I am only just beginning to fathom - almost 10 years on.

Here are some of my favourite photos:

To my Dad, I love you and miss you and wish you were here every single day. xxoo

Imbracing imperfection.

2010-09-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

I have just read the blog post The disease of "Perfection" by single dad laughing.

This is something I really struggle with and have my entire life.

So in keeping with spreading "the cure" to this disease I'm going to get real. In public :)

I am not a perfect mother. I'm not even a very good mother some of the time. I get scared, lonely, bored, angry, sad and feel used.

I question myself constantly and worry that in the pursuit of my ideals, I lose site of reality. - substitute "ideals" for "perfection" and you can understand why this means so much to me.

I'm not a very good friend.

I don't make enough time for the people I love. I take them for granted.

I have been a trainee breastfeeding counsellor for almost 2 years.

I struggle to control myself around food. I know what it does to my body and to my children's bodies but still I struggle to control it.

I feel useless, lazy, inept and disappointing way too much of the time. I feel like I let people down.

My house is pretty much always untidy. This in itself is fine but it gets me down and I then take it out on the kids.

I am not perfect. And you know what? That's OK. I try (too hard) and it is something I am working on. Will keep you updated on my progress.

xo

We welcomed a woman last night...

2010-09-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am so exceptionally blessed to have some of the most amazing women in my life. Last night my daughter (who is 7) and I were invited to join in blessing the way for a young girl who has just entered womanhood.

What an experience. I have never been to a "red party" before and as a woman who has a less than perfect experience of the first bleed, I found it unexpectedly emotional.

Tiana and I received the invite in the mail. As usual the timing was bang on. I had been a bit taken aback by a friends daughter who had just begun bleeding at the tender age of 9. This is just 2 years older than my baby girl. I knew that I needed to talk to my wee one about it all but with very little to framework to go off I found myself floundering somewhat.

Periods were never talked about in my house. Kinda strange seeing as there were 3 girls. I learnt about women's business through the matter-of-fact Singaporean school system. So when it came to being open and honest with my own daughter, I really didn't know where to start and felt really very uncomfortable.

Working as I do I have had to face my issues of embarrassment around all things women. I ask women about their menstrual history, talk to them about sex after birth, about stretching vagina's, secretions, abnormal bleeding and all things breasts. It has taken me a while but I am very comfortable and confident now. So my dilemma was then transferring this to my relationship with my daughter.

So those were the sort of things that were going through my head around the time we got this beautiful invite. And after all the angst and thinking and talking (to other people), I simply explained what the invite was for. I was met with a very matter-of-fact response followed by quite a show of excitement. Problem solved.

We attended such a beautiful ceremony and I got quite teary through the ceremony. Especially the part where the young woman's mother took hold of both of her hands, look deep into her eyes and told her about how wonderful it was to be a woman and about how all of these women were here just for her and always would be.

The ceremony started with only those that had bled. The younger girls were somewhere else with the guest of honour and it was their job to make her beautiful for the occasion. They talked about their experiences of being girls. We older women formed a circle and sung as the younger girls entered:

We all come from the Goddess and to her we shall return,
Like a drop,
Of rain,
Flowing to the ocean.

The girls formed their own circle within the larger one and after a few words, were invited to join with their elders.

We went around the circle and talked about the women who have inspired us the most and how we knew the young woman. We then shared with her a stone or a pebble. The point of the pebble was explained by her older sister.

She explained that all the women at her red party had given her a rock that they had picked specifically. Whenever she felt alone, afraid, scared or upset she would go to the bowl in her room that contained all the stones that the women in her life had collected for her. She would hold each rock and know that there were many, many women out there who loved her and who would always love her. She told us how she would draw energy from all the rocks and the intentions with which they were given.

We then closed the circle and shared in a wonderful meal that was provided by everyone who came (the theme was red food). We ate and then sat in a circle around the young woman and told her stories of our menarche (good and bad).

It was an amazing feeling for me, being surrounded by women who were honouring the cycles of the woman, who were acknowledging the wonder of a woman's body and who were openly and passionately passing their wisdom on to the younger generation.

It was liberating and fulfilling and I am so blessed that the circle of silence (in my family at least) has been broken. My daughter will grow up with a solid sense of what it is to be a woman, without the shame and secrecy that has surrounded my own growth.

To the young woman who invited Tiana and I into your sacred space, thank you. I have learnt so much from you.

To all the women who shared last night with me, I love you, I honour you and I am in awe of you. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with me and making women normal and beautiful for myself and my daughter.

xxoo

www.womanwisdom.com/
www.celebrategirls.com/index.htm
www.intuitiveparenting.com.au

On a tangent - home education.

2010-08-23T03:16:00.001-07:00

I find people are either facinated by the fact that we home educate, or mortified. There really doesn't seem to be much in the middle. Many of my friends have been asking about home ed and I'm feeling a bit lazy so will just publish one of my articles about it. If I'm feeling energetic later I may just add a bit more...or start a new blog...?

This article appeared in the July issue of Otherways. Check out the website - it is an incredible source of information.

Home education - the myths, the magic and the mayhem.

Home-education (generally speaking) has a less than positive reputation. Perhaps it’s because so few people do it, school being the default position for the vast majority of Australians, so much so that it is rarely questioned. And when it is, it is within the context of which school as opposed to whether to school. Part of this is tied up in society’s perception of children and parents. Generally speaking, children are not accepted in our wider community. It has been so long since children were an accepted class of people within our culture that most of us have forgotten what it is like to have children involved in everyday life.

Society places little importance on the role of parents. We live in a world that pays people a lot more to stack supermarket shelves than to raise the next generation. We are living in the world of the expert, where everything from changing a washer to planting a plant has to be outsourced. The same applies to the raising of our children. We are taught from a very early age that we are incapable of being responsible for our offspring. We are not able to provide the necessary experiences for them to grow up to be functioning members of society. These are some of the myths that I would like to address.

Most parents are under the impression that it is necessary for their children to detach from them in order to build confidence, self reliance and independence. The logic behind this is flawed and outdated. Independence and confidence will most naturally develop when the child feels secure, loved and supported, rather than anxious and unsure, due to enforced separation from their parents.

The interactions between children and adults in a schooled setting are based on an imbalance of power, where one person (the adult) is automatically awarded authority and respect based solely on age and position, and the other person (the child) is automatically required to submit to this. There is nothing healthy or normal about a relationship like this and these interactions inadvertently groom children for abuse on many levels by encouraging and cultivating the inability to question others and to listen to their basic instincts.

Most children are trained out of their innate wisdom which warns of unsavory/unsafe people. Conversely, when children are allowed (and encouraged) to build solid, strong relationships with the adults around them (based on mutual respect and individual merit) then they grow up with their intuition intact, with the ability to question information and form their own opinions.

Human babies are designed to have long-term parents. Independence and confidence are long term goals. Your child does not need to be “taught” independence or confidence, just as they do not need to be taught how to sleep or walk or talk. These things they will learn through being fully included in life in a nurturing and respectful manner that honours their timing, rhythms and personality. They have a better chance of this at home than at school.

The very purpose of school is to prepare children for a successful and fulfilling life in our society. In this schools are (and always have been) failing. “An alarming number [of students] appear happy to progress through life without a cause, without a creed and without conviction. Even worse, some do not even know themselves; they have no understanding of their unique gifts or abilities.”

Hundreds (thousands?) of ideas and millions of dollars have been and are being thrown into the school system every year in an attempt to fix it. And still it is failing to prepare our children to be fully-functioning adults.

A copious amount of material is introduced to students with no input from them as to whether the material being studied is wanted or needed or would ever be remembered. There have been no studies done on the amount of curriculum retained five years after graduation. There have been no follow-up studies of a child’s experience of school and how effective they deemed it to be once they were out in the ‘real world’.

And why would there be? What purpose would it serve? It really doesn’t matter that everything “learned” is subsequently almost immediately forgotten. The curriculum’s purpose has been served, the time has been filled.

Children within a schooled setting spend an amazing amount of time learning things that they either already know, or would find virtually impossible not to learn growing up in our culture: colours, numbers, counting, adding, subtracting, and letters for instance. Many children starting school already know these things. How did they learn them?

The same way they learnt to walk and to talk. The same way they learnt the difference between a mouse and an elephant. The same way they learnt not to touch a hot stove: by watching, experimenting and asking questions.

It is a deep-seated cultural myth that children do not want to learn and that teaching and learning are hard work that has to be endured in order for us to become fully able adults. And if you were to observe children (and their teachers) in school you would, no doubt, come to the same conclusion. Learning is hard; teaching is hard, possibly harder...

Again, this logic is flawed. To begin with, we have lost sight of what is ’normal’ (or perhaps the more appropriate word would be ’natural’) child behavior. Current knowledge of normal childhood behavior is based almost exclusively on schooled children. Learning, such as it exists in schools, has become a boring, painful, lonely experience that contributes nothing positive to the growing child’s way of thinking.

A simple fact that seems to have been lost somewhere along the way is that all people (no matter what age) only remember things that are important to them and forget the rest. How much of your education do you recall? How much of it did/do you find relevant to the life you are living now? This is a major question because it is often used as a reason why parents are unable to teach their children at home.

How can a parent educate their child (after spending at least 12 years getting a “healthy education”)? One of the greatest attributes of home-education is the realisation that home-educated children do not have to learn (and then forget) the unreasonable volume of materials involved in the school curriculum. As Susannah Sheffer observed, “It’s funny that people think kids should be well-rounded but don’t seem to have the same expectations of adults. Adults seem to realize you can’t do everything”. However, if a school-free child does express an interest in something the parent knows nothing about, they could embark on the learning journey together. The child asks a question, the adult and the child find the answer together.

Even if a family chooses to do “school at home”, the amount of time it takes to get through the information is a fraction of that of schooled children. A study done by the education department to assess how many one-on-one active teaching hours children absent from school long-term (due to illness or injury) needed in order to keep up with their peers academically, concluded from 90 minutes to 4 hours per week. Vera Southgate and her fellow authors in Extending Beginning Reading (1981), note that teachers spend less time than they think on reading. In their study, the average time spent listening to a child read was thirty (30) seconds.

Another major question home-educators face is how to access higher education for their children (should they so desire). In an article published in Stanford Magazine, school-free students are sought after due to their unique learning style. “Stanford has found that the brightest home schoolers bring a mix of unusual experiences, special motivation and intellectual independence that makes them a good bet to flourish [at Stanford]” The admissions officers at Stanford University sum it up using two words: intellectual vitality. What few studies have been done in Australia have shown that: “…Australian home educated children have achieved an equal or higher than average result to their formally educated peers.”

Being school free per se does not limit educational and academic opportunities; neither does going to school per se open them.

There is another criticism of home education that has been perpetuated by those people who first moved to take control of their children’s education. The modern home education movement first gained popularity with fundamental Christians who perceived the lack of academic vigor and religious content within school curriculum as failing to provide their children with an adequate education. Many people still envision home schoolers sitting around the kitchen table with their mother, alternating maths books with the bible, insulating children from outside influences, shielding them from opinions/ideals that differ from their own.

This is no longer the case for the majority of home educators. The amount of time school-free children have to be fully involved in life is one of the attractive features of home education. Children are able to interact (and therefore learn from) an exceptionally large cross-section of people. Grandparents, other home-educating families, schooled families, the librarian, the neighbours, tutors and mentors…the list goes on and on. A Canadian study showed that home educated adults excel in all measured areas of adult life, including education level, civic and community participation, life satisfaction, and income.

Contrary to popular opinion, home education takes a lot of the stress out of life (for parents as well as children). It’s not stress-free, everyday living can be frustrating and difficult (shopping, finances, sibling rivalry, etc.) but as stress-free as possible. It is much easier overall to deal with the everyday stressors - the fighting, the meltdowns, chaos and relationship politics, than to have them all condensed unnaturally into the mornings and afternoons (holidays and weekends) creating really major stress times in the few hours that parents and children do get to spend together. These times are often exacerbated by the fact that the children have had to contain (behave) themselves at school for the majority of their day, letting it all out on their parents. It is a self-perpetuating cycle. Children are unnaturally contained at school and so let it out at home (where it is safe to do so), the parents feel overwhelmed and no longer enjoy the child’s company and so can not imagine spending any more time with them. School-free children are different.

Home education is on the rise, more and more parents are choosing to keep their children out of the school system due to the excessive control, bullying and unnecessary stress they observe or experience. It is a growing revolution that says the school system cannot be fixed; it is out-dated and unnecessary. Its purpose has become that of extended childcare. Home education is not what it is commonly perceived to be and its reputation is rapidly changing.

Hard, angry and bitter...

2010-08-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

I have had a huge couple of weeks. It is a time of massive growth for me and, as always, I am in awe of what the universe throws my way. The synchronicity of life flaws me sometimes.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have felt really overwhelmed by the current situation as described so perfectly on Lisa Barrett's blog.

I would like to believe the government just didn’t think it through. It’s just a big mistake and a bad dream. However that would assume our country’s leaders are stupid and easily manipulated by the AMA. It is far more likely that they allowed the medical model to take ownership of the reproductive health of the nation for some other reason. Money, power and control spring to mind.

I feel lost and sad and angry and confused and tired. Really, really tired.

None of those emotions have been adding to my quality of life (or that of my family). I have had to really try to work out how to integrate all of this into my life without losing who I am in the process.

On top of all the political stuff I have been struggling to deal with (what I perceive) as my over sensitivity to all things "mainstream" in birth. Just the other week I was at a BBQ with people I had never met before. The women were together and (as so often happens) the talk turned to birth and breastfeeding. I DREAD this. I usually get up and leave before I hear too much. I find it so heartbreaking to hear women speak of birth. Of how they were abused, disrespected and disempowered. I hate the language that surrounds birth - "they let me" (or more often "they wouldn't let me"), I hate the perception of birth and I hate the way horrendous things are accepted as so normal.

And yes - this is true even if the woman does not feel the same way. I was accused on the weekend of projecting my own feelings of trauma onto the women I talk to. This makes me so mad. While I do have residual trauma from my births (or a more accurate description would be from the treatment I received during those births) I absolutely DO NOT project my own feelings on to any birthing woman. I never insinuate a woman has suffered abuse during birth (even if I believe it is blatantly obvious) because most women come to this conclusion themselves eventually. Those women who don't, usually don't seek people out to talk to them about their experiences.

HOWEVER, just because an individual woman does not consider what happened to her abuse it DOES NOT mean that the actions of the people surrounding her should be condoned. I know many women who (in my opinion) were treated horrendously but who (for one reason or another) do not feel this to be the case. I respect that and am glad they didn't suffer any (noticeable) trauma from their experience. It doesn't make what happened ok though.

From my article on Birth Trauma:

When you look at the forms that birth trauma takes it is sickening to realise that many, many people accept gross violations of a woman’s body simply because it is done by a care provider during childbirth.

When we ignore what is happening to women every single day simply because she doesn't know any better, makes us no better than those doing the abusing.

I got cut down fairly severely this weekend for saying that I will generally try to shield a pregnant woman (usually first time mumma) from some of the horror birth stories out there. My advice to pregnant mumma's is to ask people (respectfully) to with hold their horror stories at least until after the birth. The criticism of this is that I am invalidating those women (who own these stories) and that I have no right to veto what women say/hear.

I understand where that thought comes from but I do need to explain my stance also. We grow up with an image of birth that is perpetuated by images in the media, the stories of our families and by our body memories of our own birth. To most women birth automatically equals trauma. I really believe that this fundamental belief needs to change if we are ever going to see women take power in birth. The constant bombardment that most women face when pregnant is (probably) well intentioned but it has such a huge impact on that women's psyche heading into birth.

I don't mean to make those stories any less than what they are. They are that woman's story, they are that babies birth story and I absolutely honour that. I am constantly creating safe spaces for these women to debrief, to tell their story, to work through their pain. This is different to people seemingly seeking out new mothers to tell them horror stories (that are usually not their own).

On the flip side, I find many women are reluctant to share their positive birth stories for fear of inducing the omni-present Mother Guilt. Some women feel guilty when presented with really positive natural birth stories. Guilty for taking the drugs, guilty for having a cesarean, guilty for "not being able to do it naturally".

From Positive Birth Stories:

Reinforced by these popular culture images are the true stories told to us by friends and family. Although these stories are indeed true and deeply affecting they need to be told in the context of the last one hundred years of medicalisation of childbirth and the subsequent disengagement from natural safe techniques in pregnancy and birth flow.

These traumatic images implanted in our brains build our perception before we even think about having children; they sit waiting to emerge as fundamental truths…horrible and scary.

I really believe that by surrounding ourselves with positive, uplifting, inspiring birth stories, we can begin to undo the damage done by our cultural perceptions.

It is so important to keep fighting (yes FIGHTING) for what should be all of our fundamental rights. None of us enjoy it, all of us are tired but imagine what would happen if every one of us decided that it wasn't worth it. That it is too much to deal with, too painful, too hard. What then?

I am dealing with the fact that I don't want to keep fighting, that my anger and my resentment are (starting??) to show and are getting hard to hide. I feel myself getting hard and angry and bitter. That is not who I want to be and I have to find a way to not let it all eat away at my soul. I have seriously considered stepping out of this side of birth altogether these past few days. But you know what?? Who doesn't want it to stop? Who doesn't feel all of the things I am feeling? If all of us just threw our hands up and said fuck it, where would that leave us and the women we profess to care so much about. Nah, I'm sticking around. We can grow old and bitter together ;-)

My sister was talking to me about it last night. She said we are all a link in the chain. We are fighting for our rights, for the rights of our daughters and our grand daughters and the thing that sucks is that we probably won't see the results of our passions and our fight in our life time. But that is not why we are doing it.

I am doing it so that I can say when I'm lying on my deathbed "you know what? I was a link in that chain. I did everything I could and I am proud of that."

There is a time for gentle, there is a time for nice. This is not that time, it is time now for anger. And I truely believe I have a right to be angry.

Breastmilk is gross.

2010-08-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

Aside from the debate about woman choosing to breastfeed their children, there is a debate raging about whether infants who are not breastfed should have access to breastmilk.

Based on all the evidence available to us, the resounding answer is YES. The harmful effects of artificial feeding are well documented. The World Health Organisation states that artificial baby milk should not even be second choice. Or third for that matter. World Health Organization (WHO) actually states: "The second choice is the mother's own milk expressed and given to the infant in some way. The third choice is the milk of another human mother. The fourth and last choice is artificial baby milk."

Despite this most women still find the idea of feeding their baby another woman's milk to be "gross". These same women can be found feeding their babies and children (and themselves) milk from a cow. So where has this phobia of human milk come from?

I believe there are many factors that have contributed to the skewed image of breadfeeding, breastmilk and artificial milk. Part of it is tied up in the sexualisation of breasts in our culture. Breasts are used to sell everything from cars to shoes and it is rare that you can walk down the street or open a magazine without seeing a sexualised image of breasts.

In her article, Uncovering What Lies Behind Lactophobia, over at Ilithyia Inspired, Sarah Langford sums it up:

One answer is that breasts ,in Western society, have been sexualised to the extreme and as a result some people are unable to separate sex from breasts. Subsequently these people perceive breastfeeding as perverse because it involves children in a sex act.

Sarah quotes the article Breast Obsession:

The less women breastfeed, the less people get to see the real purpose of breasts. At the same time media everywhere touts the view of female breasts as sexual. That in turn makes it harder for women to breastfeed, since many of the reasons for not breastfeeding are linked to the sexualization of breasts.
So the less women breastfeed, the harder it becomes for women to breastfeed. We have a cycle that self-promotes the view that the main purpose of female breasts is for something else than feeding babies!

Sarah Langford also goes on to say:

Kitzinger also observes that lactating is sometimes viewed as an unattractive bodily function. Like menstruation it is perceived as "polluting" or disgusting (2005, 39). Breastfeeding is thereby made inconvenient for women and their children, because it is treated as something that should be hidden.

From Uncovering What Lies Behind Lactophobia

The origin of our disgust of breastmilk also has its sordid roots in old infant formula advertising. At the dawn of the 20th century in the United States, most infants were breastfed, those that were formula-fed showed more diet-associated medical problems, such as scurvy, rickets and bacterial infections than breastfed babies. Infant mortality was high in those babies fed substitute milk products and so doctors and scientists began examining breastmilk and attempted to mimic the make up of human milk. (From Infant Formula)

Imitating Breastmilk then became Big Business. Along with advertising artificial milks, formula advertising undermined a woman's belief in her own breastmilk. These formula's were promoted as better than breastmilk, more scientific and cleaner.

Bread-and-Milk Flour for Babies
To be prepared with water only.
Is retained by the stomach when all other food (even the Mother's Milk) would be rejected. Barral & Funk. A magazine advert published in 1869.

Most advertisments came with a doctors endorsement, with the words "Best Food" or with a testimonial from a mother along with photos of bouncing babies with red rosy cheeks.

In the 1950's there was huge marketing campaigns that provided cheap formula to hospitals and pediatricians, Babymilk companies ran training days for nurses and doctors and presented 'evidence' that artificial milk was better than breastmilk.

Women were regularily given free samples of infant formula. We now know that breastfeeding is based on a supply and demand cycle that is compromised by even one bottle of artificial milk. These free samples are what lead to many, many women believing that they did not have enough milk for their babies.

Breastfeeding is a learned skill, it is sometimes difficult. Most women in the 50's and 60's would not have percivered with the information from 'health professionals' telling them that formula is better than breastmilk anyway.

With formula companies taking control of the information provided to health care professionals (and therefore women), lots and lots of misinformation was spread. Much of this misinformation still exists today. And because we are all so scared of making women feel guilty, many of us keep our mouths shut when it comes to the facts about breastfeeding.

It is only recently that artificial milk manufacturers have been banned from suppling doctors and hospitals with free samples of artificial milk. The training doctors recieve today in lactation is also sadly lacking.

Until we start exploring why we (as a culture) see breastfeeding and breastmilk as dirty, there is no way we can hope to improve the health outcomes of our children.

Breastmilk is normal, artificial feeding is harmful. FACT.

xo

Is breast best? No, its simply normal.

2010-08-03T03:09:00.000-07:00

Breastfeeding rates in Australia are pretty low with just a third of all babies being breastfed at 6 months, dropping to 23% at 12 months and with only 1% of Australian babies still being breastfed at 24 months despite the WHO's recommendations that children be breastfed for a minimum of 2 years and the world average age of weaning being 3.5.

90-95% of women are physically capable of nourishing their own infants. Our breastfeeding rates, just like our intervention rates in birth, are not reflective of women’s failures or of mothers failures. They are reflective of the failure of our society to give women the support they need to establish a breastfeeding relationship with their child.

We live in a society that places more value on stacking supermarket shelves than on raising children. Where retail managers are paid more than childcare workers or teachers. And where companies with a vested interest hold a monopoly over the information health professionals receive about lactation.

It's only recently that formula companies have been banned from giving out samples of formula that last just long enough for a mothers milk to dry up. This is still happening on a massive scale in third world countries where unsanitary conditions, poverty and poor water quality mean that infants in their thousands are dying for want of breast milk.

It's the warped perceptions of our western culture when it comes to the function of breasts and women and the lack of support and recognition of the importance of breast milk that we have so many mothers feeling like artificial feeding is their only choice.

All women should have access to appropriate support and information with which to make an informed decision when it comes to the method of feeding their child.

But in order to prevent hurt feelings, the language used to promote breastfeeding has been cloaked in softer terms - presented as "breast is best" and focusing solely on the benefits of breastfeeding rather than the risks of artificial feeding.

This is like saying there are benefits to not being exposed to radiation or the benefits of not walking in front of a moving car. Its misleading and damaging.

So, the facts. Breastmilk is species specific - human milk made specifically for growing human babies. It contains long chain fatty acids that are required for brain growth and development. Bovine milk contains lots of fat and protein, perfect for building big, strong cows. Therefore, breastfed infants are more likely to meet their IQ potential than their formula fed peers.

Breastmilk contains over 300 known ingredients and I'm sure a lot more unknown ingredients while formula contains just 40 with the main ingredient being sugar.

The composition of breastmilk changes from day to day, breastfeed to breastfeed, tailoring itself to the specific needs of the baby. So in hot weather, breastmilk has been shown to contain more water to aid hydration, the milk of a mother who has given birth prematurely will be higher in protein and immunoglobulins to aid growth and to protect the infant from infection.

Similarly when there is sickness in the house, the level of pathogen specific antibodies are increased in a mothers milk. By breastfeeding her baby, a mother is essentially transferring her developed immune system to her vulnerable infant.

Formula fed infants are 14 times more likely to be hospitalised for gastroenteritis and respiratory illnesses and are at higher risk of SIDS.

Marsha Walker, in her article, "A Fresh Look at The Risks of Artificial Feeding," published in the JOURNAL OF HUMAN LACTATION sates that "Formula feeding is consistently associated with immune system disorders," "artificial feeding accelerates the development of celiac disease, is a risk factor for Crohn's Disease and ulcerative colitis in adulthood, accounts for two to twenty-six percent of childhood-onset insulin dependent diabetes mellitus [and] imposes a five- eight-fold risk of developing lymphomas in children under fifteen if they were formula-fed or breastfed for less than six months."

Most people think that infant formula's are strictly monitored and regulated, the actual fact being that today, manufacturers are required simply to include an insignificant number of mandated ingredients and to list them on the package.
Even one bottle of formula changes the flora of a babies gut and increases overall body temperature by 1 degree Celsius (because it takes a lot more effort to digest) and can affect the delicate supply and demand system of breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding also has exceptional benefits for the mother. A study done in 2002, showed that there is a 54% reduction in the risk of breast cancer in women who breastfed for greater than 24 months.

"Choosing" to birth your baby naturally, choosing to breastfeed your child is not about demanding something special or different. Its about wanting what’s best - what’s normal - for you and your baby. Its simply what mothers do. Its a fundamental human right.

We have some exceptional support networks in place for women to find information that is not generally available through doctors and hospitals. BaBs actively encourages informed decisions by providing all information to women.

The Australian Breastfeeding Association is one of the leading bodies in the world on human lactation and has a free 24hr helpline that can be accessed by anyone - no need to be a member.

1800 mum 2 mum - 1800 686 2 686
www.breastfeedingasn.au
www.birthingandbabies.org.au

BOOKS: Rediscovering Birth by Sheila Kitzinger

Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering by Dr Sarah Buckley

Heart to Heart Parenting and Parenting For a Peaceful World by Robin Grille

Breastfeeding Naturally Australian Breastfeeding Association

Western women and oppression.

2010-07-21T01:01:00.000-07:00

As with many things in my life, I am only just beginning to see the insidiousness of our society when it comes to the treatment of women.

I grew up in a feminist household. Pink was virtually banned, both my parents worked (a lot) - my dad was home more than my mum. He cooked and cleaned just as much (if not more) and I had no concept of the traditional roles of women until much later in life. I believed there was no longer a need for feminism because we had moved beyond the awful treatment of women. Women can vote, there are women in just about every profession, the head of our country is now a WOMAN!! We have come a long way yes? No.

I have recently watched a few episodes of Entourage. I sat there thinking "surely people don't treat women like this anymore??" I was blown away by the way women were portrayed. They were pieces of meat, paraded in front of men in barely there outfits while waiting to see which one the 'star' would choose and which woman would be left with his sidekick.

It is this sort of thing that really makes me start thinking about western women and our cultures view of feminism.

A woman's body is seen as disgusting. I remember when I first told a friend about wanting to become a midwife, her reaction was one of repulsion "why the hell would you want to be looking down there all the time, that is gross." I was left feeling like I was some sort of pervert with weird fetishes.

Australian women partake in some strange cultural rituals. All body hair is deemed disgusting and must be shaved, plucked, waxed or chemically burnt off. All traces and signs of maturity must be removed in order to fit in socially. Most woman will not leave the house (or indeed bed) without a full mask of face paint (otherwise known by the grown up name 'make-up'). Countless hours are spent carefully applying various treatments to try to beat the aging process. The Crone is not respected or honoured in our culture, she is feared and hated.

We are constantly bombarded with self improvement products, not least of which is aimed at weight loss. Talking to friends yesterday - I was mortified to hear that there were people handing out advertisements for weight loss products at the door of the Bridal Expo and at the Pregnancy and Baby Expo! No wonder depression rates are sky high and the self esteem levels of our young are so low. Virtually no one in our society can through a single day without being told how to lose weight, stop wrinkles, remove body hair or improve features with plastic surgery.

What a topsy, turvey world we live in where the barbie doll

gets more respect than the wise.

I followed with fascination the debate to "Ban the Burqa" here in Australia. How bizarre. I may be wading in way above my head on this (knowing little about the burqa or Islamic culture) but it surprises me that people here think the burqa is a tool of oppression from which women need to be rescued. Banning a piece of clothing is not exactly addressing the issue is it? We can point fingers at the Islamic cultural practices of wearing a burqa and rage about their oppression of women but it loses some of its righteousness when we walk down the street painfully aware of leering looks and wolf whistling men. When keeping our body hair in tact is met with disgusted looks and obnoxious comments. And when women feel they cannot possible leave their homes without plastering their faces with potentially toxic chemicals that have been proclaimed "safe" at the expense of countless animals.

How many western women would feel a sense of freedom within the sheltered confines of a burqa? I know I sometimes would. To be free of the judgments of men and women, to not worry about how big my breasts are, how flat my stomach is, how saggy my bum has gotten or how many wrinkles are starting to appear on my face.

We do indeed live in a strange world. This is from an article that was written by a wonderful friend of mine. "Reduce Consumerism Naturally: Parent For Peace & Justice" By Emma Lewis:

Consider the priorities in global spending in 1998

Global Priority

Basic Education For Everyone In The World Would Cost $6 BILLION US
Cosmetics In The US Only Cost $8 BILLION US
Water & Sanitation For Everyone In The World Would Cost $9 BILLION US
The Amount Spent On Ice Cream In Europe Alone Was $11 BILLION US
Reproductive Health For All Women In The World Would Cost $12 BILLION US
The Amount Spent On Perfumes In Europe & US Was $17 BILLION USBasic Health & Nutrition For Everyone In The World Would Cost $13 BILLION US
Pet Food Alone In Europe & US Cost $17 BILLION US
Business Entertainment In Japan Cost $35 BILLION US
Cigarettes In Europe Cost $50 BILLION US
Alcoholic Drinks In Europe Cost $105 BILLION US
Narcotic Drugs Worldwide Cost $400 BILLION US
Military Spending World Wide Was $780 BILLION US

xo

When does life begin?

2010-06-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

You will have to bear with me a bit on this one. It is not something I have thought of a lot, not something I know an awful lot about.

After reading the recent case of Tate Spencer-Koch in which the SA Coroner decided that an investigation into her death would go ahead despite the fact that she was born unresponsive with no pulse and no breath, I have been forced to consider life and death with regards to a foetus and baby.

The full finding of the Coroner can be found here: http://www.courts.sa.gov.au/courts/coroner/findings/findings_2010/Spencer-Koch_Tate.pdf

So, when exactly does life begin? Pro-lifers would claim at conception. Medically speaking a fetus is consider viable (and therefore a person) at around 24 weeks. Abortions can be performed legally up until 20 weeks in Victoria but only 14 weeks in Tasmania.

Has anyone had, or seen, the ultrasound pictures that are obtained at the 18week morphology scan? Fingers, toes, eyelids. Some babies are seen sucking their thumbs, sleeping and crying. Why, then, is it considered lawful to terminate the pregnancy?

From the Coroner's report:

The relevant rule of law has been referred to as the ‘born alive’ rule. As indicated in the decision of the Court of Criminal Appeal in New South Wales in R v Iby (2005) 63 NSWLR 278, the rule consists of two distinct components. First, to be regarded as a person the foetus must be shown to have completely left its mother’s body and secondly, the child must be shown to have been alive at, or after, birth2. It will be seen from those two requirements that a child who dies in the womb prior to its complete removal from the mother and who therefore exhibits no sign of life following that full delivery will not be regarded as having existed as a person in the eyes of the law, notwithstanding that the evidence clearly establishes that at some point in time, even very close to the child’s delivery, it had existed as a healthy and viable foetus.

Tate Spencer-Koch was born with no signs of life. When the paramedics attended, a machine was placed on the baby that detected pulseless electrical activity (PEA) in the heart at the rate of 15 beats per minute. At that point there was no actual mechanical beating of the heart and the baby was not breathing. Attempts to resuscitate the baby were carried out before the paramedics arrived and were continued after their arrival.

The resuscitative measures, among other things, consisted of intubation, ventilation and the administration of adrenaline. I add here that the electrical activity that still existed in Tate’s heart was not a suitable basis for the application of defibrillation. A person has to be experiencing ventricular defibrillation for that process to have any effect.

The Coroner heard expert evidence from Dr Gavin Wheaton who is the Medical Director of the Division of Paediatric Medicine at the Women’s and Children’s Hospital. Dr Wheaton believed in this case that the PEA detected in Tate's case was a pre-asystolic state - the last activity of the heart before it ceased altogether.

Dr Wheaton's expert opinion was that PEA could NOT be considered a sign of life:

'My conclusion was that PEA is not a sign of life and, in particular, that in this context it was not a sign of life.' 14

Despite this, the Coroner found that Tate Spencer-Koch was, in fact, a person under law and therefore the Coroner has the jurisdiction to conduct an Inquest into her death. The Coroner states that:

Tate had been a perfectly viable foetus until the time of her delivery. She had in fact, albeit not in law, been alive within the womb. In my opinion, the PEA that existed in Tate after her birth, acknowledging as I do that it was slow and could not support a mechanical heart beat, and could not be reversed, is to be regarded as the last vestige of her human existence. This last vestige existed at a time after she had been fully delivered. As such it was a sign of life that existed after she had been fully delivered.

The main problem I see with the Coroner's findings is that it redefines the 'born alive' rule which has far reaching consequences. The argument that Tate Spencer-Koch was a "perfectly viable foetus until the time of her delivery" could also be applied to any baby aborted. The vast majority of aborted babies would go on to be perfectly healthy children. Where does this argument end?

345 late term abortions were performed in 2007 - these abortions were carried out on healthy mothers of healthy foetus' for 'psycho-social reasons'. Two of them were older that 28 weeks gestation, with the majority being around 25 weeks gestation. Many of these babies are born alive, dieing shortly after birth.

There is no coronal inquest into these births though is there?

181 late term abortions were conducted in Melbourne alone due to "fetal abnormalities". 54 of these babies were born alive.

Women are regularly prompted to abort a defective pregnancy, the problem is - prenatal testing is far from perfect. How many healthy babies are aborted due to non existent abnormalities? No one really knows. Here are just a few stories where a baby has been aborted due to faulty medical advice:

http://townhall.com/columnists/JonSanders/2007/11/07/aborted_and_lived_to_tell_about_it

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2007/mar/08/italy.health

http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=57500

These late term abortions are carried out by doctors deliberately ending the life of a "perfectly viable foetus". Tate Spencer-Koch was born to parents who had done all the research and decided that the safest place to have their baby was at home with an Independent Midwife. And yet their pain and anguish are now being dragged through the courts. The hypocrisy makes my head hurt.

People say that if baby Tate was born in hospital she would be alive today. For starters, no one can know that for sure and secondly, would you say the same thing to a mother who has lost her baby due to hospital practice (including all those babes who have been aborted due to faulty test results)? Babies born via cesarean section are three times more likely to die in their first month of life (link: http://www.wddty.com/c-section-aftershocks.html)I can't imagine anyone would approach that family and say "if s/he was born at home, s/he would be alive today". I don't see uproar from the legal community or from the medical community calling for elective c-sections to be banned.

The unfairness of this case is almost unbelievable. That the Coroner could come to this conclusion and ignore the advice of the experts is quite chilling. I do believe that a door has now been opened that will be very difficult to shut, and as usual it is homebirth and the informed families involved in homebirth that are in the firing line.

My thoughts are with Tate's family and Midwife. xo

Commonwealth reinstates witch burning

2010-06-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

Commonwealth reinstates witch burning
Posted June 8th, 2010 by andrew and filed in Culture, Social Justice

The first offender is dealt with under the Commonwealth's new legislation.
By Andrew McKenna
In a shock move from Canberra, the Federal Government today reinstated witch burning as punishment for certain crimes. But a spokeswoman for Health Minister Nicola Roxon reassured the community that there was nothing to be unduly concerned about.

‘This new legislation – The Witch Burning Act 2010 – is clearly aimed at midwives,’ she said.

‘And for women who persistently use or support midwives. For the average Australian, doing the right thing, going to the proper places to have their babies, having a cesarian section when doctors deem it necessary, there is absolutely nothing to worry about.’

The Australian Council for Civil Liberties reacted strongly to the new laws.

‘This is a return – literally – to the Medieval era,’ a spokesperson said.

‘Even midwives should not be treated like this.’

The leader of the Opposition, Tony Abbott, made no comment about the new legislation, but he is believed to have advised the Government during the drafting process.

The Government and the Health Minister have reportedly hunkered down after a storm of protest which followed the first burning, believed to have taken place near Brisbane.

‘This may seem archaic,’ the government spokeswoman said.

‘But there were plenty of good things about the Middle Ages. Women are just getting too much power over their own bodies, and the Medieval church was prepared to put a stop to that. So is this government. We’ve been elected to do the right thing.

Go on, hit that little thing! (Welcome it into this world of violence, bright lights and hanging upside down.)

We have to teach them what’s good for them. Stirrups, forceps, on their back, bright lights‘We’ve made it almost impossible for midwives to operate. We’ve poured scorn and opprobrium on them. We’ve made statistics say what we want them to say. We’ve outcast midwives from the system. Yet some Australian women persist in choosing the midwifery option! We have to teach them what’s good for them. Stirrups, forceps, on their back, bright lights, and of course the scalpel option. This government is contemplating new legislation to make Cesarians compulsory for every woman.

‘That will fix their little red wagon for them.’

See more Andrew McKenna here: Castlemaine Independant

ROLF

Home births a major risk - Herald Sun

2010-06-08T00:35:00.000-07:00

There was an opinion piece in the Herald Sun today that has me close to tears. I will post some of it (the bits I would like to discuss) but you can read the entire thing online: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/opinion/home-births-a-major-risk/story-e6frfhqf-1225876656099

The Federal Government announced yesterday that professional indemnity insurance would not cover midwives who help women give birth at home.

They're signalling that home births are outside acceptable birthing practices and thus midwives who attend home births are basically on their own.

But this will not outlaw home births.

It will just drive them more underground, where women are further away than ever from the medical treatment they or their babies might need in an emergency.

In fact, even supporters of home births say the moves will lead to a rise in so-called freebirths, where women are assisted only by a doula, or birthing assistant, who is not trained to resuscitate babies or mothers.

For this reason, further steps need to be taken to make home births illegal.

So the answer is to take FURTHER steps to control women and their bodies? Really? I would have thought the logical way to go would be to lobby the government even harder, I would have thought that calling Nicola Roxon on this balls up of a maternity services review would make more sense than furthering it.

What I don't understand is that women who make the INFORMED choice to birth their babies gently at home open themselves up to so much criticism. Now that choice has been taken away from them and this woman is proposing those laws go even further. Please note that there is nothing in this article (or any others for that matter) about those women who choose induction, who choose a c-section or who even choose drugs during labour. And yet all of those things have been PROVEN (over and over and over again) to have a detrimental outcome for both mother and baby. Say it with me people HYPOCRISY.

It's all very well for a mother to want an earth-loving, feel-good experience while giving birth, but she shouldn't put her child's life at risk.

If a parent wants to risk his or her own life, that is one thing, but we shouldn't risk the lives of our babies.

I am obviously selfish. It is quite clear isn't it? I could have chosen to go to the hospital as soon as I felt my contractions, I could have backed up onto the epidural and hopped right into bed with a movie or a good book. How selfish of me to go through every single contraction, feeling every single movement of my baby as he came into this world. How terribly selfish I was to feel that burning pain as his head crowned, to beg everyone around me to not ask me to push anymore. How fucking selfish.

So why do it? Because if you actually looked into birth you would find virtually unanimous evidence that says labour (and all it's associated hormones) are exceptionally beneficial for the baby. You would find that having a cesarean increases that mortality and morbidity rate for both the mother and the baby and you would find the best outcomes are for mothers and babies who progress through labour and birth the way nature intended. It's not easy, but I did it for my baby.

I recently supported a woman through a 56 hour labour. She did it naturally, it hurt, it was the HARDEST thing she has ever done. For those people who have never done it, please don't even begin to THINK that you could possibly understand what it is like. She didn't do it for herself, I didn't do it for myself. We did it for our babies.

Susie (the author) talks about Tate Spencer-Koch, who was stillborn in 2007. Please stay tuned because I will be dedicating a post to Tate and the South Australian Coroner's findings.

When I read about home births like this one going wrong, I can't help but think about my first son, Tom.

I was 33 and very healthy when I became pregnant with Tom. Although he was a bit underweight in the womb, he'd been developing normally.

I was induced at 37 weeks because of his small size, but fully expected to have a normal, natural delivery in a private city hospital. What happened next still chokes me up almost seven years later.

After 16 hours of drug-assisted labour, and a lot of pushing and puffing, the real work was about to begin. Our obstetrician began the actual delivery and that's when things started to go horribly wrong.

She discovered that my pelvis was too narrow for the baby's head to pass.

He was stuck.

His heart rate was dropping.

And he was becoming traumatised after such a long labour.

It was 11.30 at night - and there wasn't even time for staff to be prepped for an emergency cesarean.

So our obstetrician called in a neonatal pediatrician, scrubbed up, grabbed two sets of forceps and pulled him out by his head.

I fully believe that it was only her amazing skill that saved his life.

He was rushed into the ICU and given saline and a number of injections to keep him alive.

My husband and I sat sobbing next to his humidicrib for hours, watching his strained breathing as he battled to stay alive.

Tom was so battered and bruised that his entire body was purple, and he was under UV lights for a week.

The entire process was so traumatic for his 2.5kg body (that's just 5lb 5oz) that he stopped breathing a few hours later and the emergency pediatric team had to save his life once more.

How horrifying. I am glad that Susie included this in the article because it has given me perspective on what is a really awful article. If you actually look at her story though, it is clear that the logic just isn't there (in fact I can do this with almost every "the doctor saved me/my baby!) story).

Tom was a 'little underweight' in the womb...according to whom? How exactly would induction help this? I don't have all the facts but the induction was the beginning of this woman's troubles. Induction for an IUGR (in uterine growth retardation) baby should only be performed when it is clear (beyond all doubt) that the placenta has deteriorated to the point that it is no longer sufficient to sustain life. It is an emergency procedure and it is much more likely that a true IUGR baby would be ceseared.

The fact that this woman was 37 weeks (and so 'full term') points to the fact that the Ob was probably just wanting baby out. It would be interesting to see the induction/c-sec rates for this particular Ob. Suffice to say I doubt a second opinion was sort.

She was induced in a private hospital at 37 weeks and still 'fully expected to have a normal, natural delivery'?? Didn't do a lot of homework on this one did she? Most city hospitals have a c-section rate of 50%, and this is without the complicating factors that this woman had experienced.

She discovered that my pelvis was too narrow for the baby's head to pass.

Oh, this makes my heart ache. You poor woman. Like many women before you, you were lied to. Your baby was stuck because of the drugs that were in your system. You poor wee babe was stuck because you were on your back (and presumably had been for some time). You beautiful child was stuck because HE WAS NOT READY TO BE BORN.

So our obstetrician called in a neonatal pediatrician, scrubbed up, grabbed two sets of forceps and pulled him out by his head.

Oh. My. God. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face for this poor woman and poor, poor child. First she is told her pelvis is too small, then her precious babe is pulled out (through that too small pelvis) along with TWO sets of forceps? Oh my.

There is clearly flawed logic being used here - cephalopelvic disproportion/true obstructed labour is not conducive to the use of forceps. Forceps obvoiusly INCREASE the amount of space needed, they do not decrease it.

I am very sorry you have been lied to.

Here is the link: http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/263603-overview

I fully believe that it was only her amazing skill that saved his life.

Probably, and would be commendable if she hadn't been the one to put him in jeopardy in the first place.

My husband and I sat sobbing next to his humidicrib for hours, watching his strained breathing as he battled to stay alive.

Tom was so battered and bruised that his entire body was purple, and he was under UV lights for a week.

The trauma to you, your husband and your sweet babe will stay with you for ever. I feel for you and all women and children who have lived through this. It is clear where you are coming from in writing this piece.

It breaks my heart how homebirth is an open arena for prejudices and fear. Homebirth is not synonymous with bad birth practices. As you can clearly see from this poor woman's article.

I have been feeling shattered recently by the events in the homebirth scene. This article feels like the last straw for me tonight, hence the rant.

The comments say it all. Here are just a few:

Tracey of Melbourne Posted at 8:54 AM Today
Women have the right to chose where to give birth, but with that also comes responsibility. Let women give birth at home, but hold them criminally liable if the worst should happen and something goes wrong.

My body of Melbourne Posted at 8:50 AM Today
If I have a child I will pay to have a c-section. I don't care what other women think. It's my choice, bugger what anyone else thinks.

anna Posted at 8:09 AM Today
Yeah,and these selfish mothers are the first ones to want compensation if something does go wrong at a home birth..And plus they don't want to pay the extra money for staying in a hospital.

jac of melb Posted at 8:46 AM Today
Sandiebeach of Somerville and Deb of Melb how about you tell that to the poor innocent babies who die or are permanently disabled.I think these mothers are total selfish for allowing any risk to their babies. Take note selfish ladies: its not all about you.

:(

Sally McCrae - a true midwife....

2010-06-06T22:48:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone,

Please join us on Sat 26 June to show your support for an amazing woman.

“I’m passionate about supporting and empowering women and their families to birth their babies safely and naturally the way they desire.” Sally McCrae on accepting her induction onto the Hepburn Shire Women’s Honour Roll.

Like many independent midwives in Australia, Sally is facing increased pressure fromthe medical profession to justify her homebirth practice.

Midwife Support Victoria is holding a fund-raiser to help Sally McCrae with legal costs. Please join us in showing your support for Sally and keeping birth
choices an option for Australian women.

Saturday, 26th June, 2pm-5pm

The afternoon includes a special film showing of “The Big Stretch” (a filmcelebrating natural birth), entertainment and afternoon tea.
Daylesford Town Hall supper room (back of Town Hall)
$15

If you had a homebirth with Sally please bring along a photo of your baby or family for our Baby Board. (photos returned afterwards)

Please spread the word.

xxoo

Women and babies used to die all the time....

2010-05-22T01:45:00.000-07:00

....and we are lead to believe that obstetricians and hospitals are the saviours of birth. This argument really gets to me because if you actually start to look into it, it's the introduction of men into the birth space that caused so many deaths in the first place. We are being saved from birth (by men) because of the damage that was caused (by men).

Let me elaborate. Maternity hospitals were first established as charities to keep the poor from birthing in the streets. They were used to teach doctors, they provided subjects for experimental use.

Birth began the mass exodus to the hospital in the late 19th to early 20th century. The popularity of hospital birth directly correlates with the increasing popularity of doctors and medicine. "Medicine is no longer a science....it is a religion."

Birth is such an intricate dance that, when not understood, can go very wrong. Birth was the province of women. The care of the woman was undertaken by skilled midwives whose knowledge had been learned through apprenticeships, experience and oral history. These midwives knew the inner workings of birth - a book called "Medical Knowledge" (late 18th - early 19th century) says "...[the woman] should walk about her chamber as much as she can, the women supporting her under the arms, if it be necessary; for by this means the weight of the child causeth the inward orifice of the womb to dilate the sooner than in bed; and if her pains be stronger and more frequent, labour will not be neat so long."

Their knowledge was built on generations of birthing women, it was tried and tested advice and care that they gave.

Obstetrics used to be a branch of general practice. It was thought that "Delivering babies established a professional man's reputation....Deliver the babies and you will have the family as patients for the rest of your life."

The introduction of doctors into birth changed the fundamental meaning of birth.

Unnecessary and dangerous procedures became the norm. Chloroform and forceps were used routinely in around 70% of births which made giving birth exceptionally dangerous. Maternal mortality rates for the 1930's in England were high - 500-600 deaths per 100,000 births.

Mortality rates are universally highest among the poor. However at this time in history, the risk of death in childbirth was highest in the upper and middle classes and lowest in the labouring class. Those who could afford a doctor were most at risk - at least one third of all maternal deaths were due to the doctors involvement.

"As late as 1934, a woman who lived in the area of Kensington, London, and who was delivered by a doctor, was twice as likely to die as a woman in the poorest area, the East End, who was attended by a midwife and had a strong female support network." (Sheila Kitzinger Rediscovering Birth)

In the United States deaths of babies from birth injuries rose by 44 per cent between the 1918 and 1925 - which directly correlates with the decline of midwifery.

Most women died from infection at this time. Medical students and doctors often performed vaginal examinations without washing their hands between patients, and often after doing autopsies. Rates of puerperal fever on their wards were more than four times higher than on wards where women were attended by midwives.

Research shows us that the risk of infection is still exceptionally high in hospital births (although women rarely die from it nowadays). The longer the labour, the higher the risk. Due not only to the length of labour, but also because of the number of internal examinations. The vagina is designed to flush pathogens away from the cervix, introducing even a sterile instrument (including fingers) pushes these pathogens up towards the baby and into places they shouldn't be.

Dr. Joseph DeLee wrote a modern bible of obstetrics (Principles and Practice of Obstetrics), 40 other publications, taught maternal care to more than 11,000 doctors and nurses. He is considered one of the 'fathers' of modern obstetrics and his material is still taught to medical students today. This is just one extract from that material:

Labor has been called, and is believed by many to be, a normal function...and yet it is a decidedly pathologic process. If a woman falls on a pitchfork, and drives it through her perineum, we call that pathologic-abnormal, but if a large baby is driven through the pelvic floor, we say that it is natural, and therefore normal. If a baby were to have its head caught in a door very lightly, but enough to cause cerebral haemorrhage, we would say that it is decidedly pathologic, but when a baby's head is crushed against a tight pelvic floor, and the haemorrhage in the brain kills it, we call this normal...In both cases, the cause of the damage, the fall on the pitchfork and the crushing of the door, is pathogenic, that is disease-producing, and in the same sense labor is pathogenic, disease-producing, and anything pathogenic is pathologic or abnormal...So frequent are these bad effects, that I have often wondered whether Nature did not deliberately intend women should be used up in the process of reproduction, in a manner analogous to that of a salmon, which dies after spawning? Perhaps laceration, prolapse and all the evils soon to be mentioned are, in fact, natural to labor and therefore normal, in the same way as the death of the mother salmon and the death of the male bee in copulation, are natural and normal.

Right. So now we start to see why people fear birth so much.

Hospitals are still dangerous places to give birth. The meaning of birth is still not understood by doctors, in fact the meaning of birth has all but been lost to the midwives and the women giving birth. Obstetricians are trained surgeons and, as such, are usually more comfortable with surgical birth. They have a greater level of control over it.

Many hospital midwives are obstetric nurses, trained to obey their surgeon bosses. They are also trained in MEDICAL birth and so are not much better at supporting a woman through a normal labour. The vast majority of people who work with birthing women nowadays have never seen normal or natural birth.

If you look at the set up of a hospital room you will see that the bed always has prime position, with little room for anything else. The message is clear to the woman as soon as she enters the room. Lying in the supine position on the bed makes it much easier for the woman to be monitored, to be attached to equipment, to be watched. This is so in most hospitals today even though researched has proven it to be a dangerous. In fact most pregnant women are advised not to lie on their backs due to the risks! Labouring in this position is intensely painful and many women will not cope. It is of course easier then to drug her.

The clock is also prominent and watched and even though it has little evidence behind it, labour is still expected to conform to an out dated and archaic time limit.

Woman are subject to painful and unnecessary procedures routinely, even in birth centers where birth is meant to be treated normally.

All of the above fundamentally change the nature of birth, increasing the danger to mother and baby.

Doctors, hospitals haven't saved birth. They have simply worked out a way of not letting women and babies die as a result of their inept tampering.

It is time we really examined our fear of birth, time we realise that BIRTH is not dangerous. It is, in fact, as safe as life gets.

The things I learnt this week....

2010-05-11T02:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a big week for me. I've learnt many, many things. Here are just a few:

1. It's important to look after ME. If I go down so does everybody else. Ok, so I knew this one already but I think I learnt it on a different level this week.

2. Some things have to be let go of. I can't take on everything. Some things are not about me.

3. Birth is powerful, scary, boring, exciting and awe inspiring all at the same time.

4. My family are my life and even though I resent that sometimes, I wouldn't have it any other way.

5. Real life beats on-line life hands down.

6. Nothing makes you feel better than sleep and good food. Never under estimate the power of sleep and food.

7. I am much more capable than I ever thought I was.

8. I'm am truely blessed to have found my calling in life. Everyone deserves to know exactly what they were put on this earth for.

xxoo

The Midwife

2010-05-10T02:11:00.000-07:00

The Midwife works at the intersection of time, as generation gives way to generation. In helping to make the birth space, she creates a place of sanctuary. She is a shepherdess between two worlds of the spiritual and human, and her skills lie at the point where the emotional and the biological touch each other and interact. She tends the tree of life.

- Sheila Kitzinger, Rediscovering Birth.

I am stripped naked and in awe...

2010-05-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

One birth down.

I stand here a different person.

In awe of the power, strength and endurance of a woman's body.

Humbled by the courage. By the pain. By the fear.

I am so small, so insignificant.

Birth is unrelenting, unforgiving.

A woman is stripped back to her raw soul.

It is a new beginnning because everything is taken and what is left is a knowledge of power, of strength, of courage, of woman.

Hi my name is Jess and I don't play with my children.

2010-04-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

There, I've said. Begin the rock throwing.

I've spent many hours indulging in my guilt. I always thought I struggled to engage with my children, something that has always bothered me considering my children are home-educated and so with me ALL the time. I felt like (and still do sometimes) a bad mother for not getting on the ground with them and playing. When I did, it would be forced and I would be watching the clock trying to work out how much time was 'enough'.

I am an adult - there is no point pretending to be a child. I don't have the same imagination as my children, I don't enjoy the games that they play. And I don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing.

I am an adult and I go about my adult business day to day. My world is centered on being functional, on performing tasks that keep my house running smoothly. I also have my own (shock!) interests that really have nothing to do with my children. What I am beginning to realise is that maybe this behaviour is not as unhealthy and damaging as I once thought.

I interact with my children. A lot. While they are playing on the rug, I'm in the kitchen talking to them, answering questions, giving cuddles and sorting out disputes. While I'm cooking tea, they wander in and out, helping or not as the case maybe.

While I'm working on the computer, they are usually near - always knowing exactly where I am if they need me.

I say no. A lot. "I can't push you on the swing, I'm feeding the baby." "I'm in the middle of something right now, give me a sec and I'll come look." "You go do it, and I'll get there when I can." It is quite constant.

I have more than one child which helps. I know when it was just my daughter and I, I found it hard because she wanted a playmate. And I found it hard because my life was revolving around her. She has two playmates now and I have many more things to focus on. My children entertain themselves really well, and you know what? They really haven't had any other choice.

I found this article by Jean Liedloff: Who's in Control? The Unhappy Consequences of Being Child-Centered

Here is a quote:

It appears that many parents of toddlers, in their anxiety to be neither negligent nor disrespectful, have gone overboard in what may seem to be the other direction. Like the thankless martyrs of the in-arms stage, they have become centered upon their children instead of being occupied by adult activities that the children can watch, follow, imitate, and assist in as is their natural tendency. In other words, because a toddler wants to learn what his people do, he expects to be able to center his attention on an adult who is centered on her own business. An adult who stops whatever she is doing and tries to ascertain what her child wants her to do is short-circuiting this expectation. Just as significantly, she appears to the tot not to know how to behave, to be lacking in confidence and, even more alarmingly, looking for guidance from him, a two or three year old who is relying on her to be calm, competent, and sure of herself.

By going about my daily business I am actually modelling appropriate adult behaviour to my children.

As I said, I do interact with my children. I just don't play with them.

xxoo

What is in a name? More than you would think...

2010-04-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in a previous post that I am interested in semantics. I am the child of English teachers so it's not terrible surprising.
There are a few key words that are used in my everyday life that I have some issues with:

1. Home-school. I understand why it's used (I use it too when I think people will understand the term better) but there is nothing remotely "school" like in what we do. The term home-schooling conjures up images of a 9-3 type thing, sitting at the kitchen table alternating maths books with the bible. I prefer the term home-education as an everyday type term but even better is the "learning at home" line I try to drop into conversations. I think you are at risk of sounding dicky if you constantly talk about how your children "learn from being immersed in life". While this statement is absolutely true and can often be used in circles that 'get it', there are many people out there who just don't get it and will look at you like you are crazy if start talking about the complicated different connotations of the labels unschooling, natural learning and homeschooling.

2. Immunisations. The term automatically assumes that vaccination is synonymous with immunity. It's not. The level of immunity someone obtains from being vaccinated differs between vaccines but suffice to say that NO vaccine provides 100% immunity, and the level of immunity it does provide will differ between people. So people VACCINATE their children or themselves, they don't IMMUNISE them. Deliberately exposing non-vaxed children to a disease like the chicken pox - maybe that is immunising your child...?

3. Delivered. The doctor delivered my baby, the midwife delivered my baby, I delivered my baby gah! Pizzas are delivered not babies! I find the term patronising and sterile. And it can always be replaced with the word 'birth' or 'birthed' - which automatically gives the power back to the woman (where it should be!)

4. Doula. While I don't have an issue with this term per se, I would like to discuss it and its counterparts. Many doula's call themselves different things - birth servant, birth worker, birth attendant. I believe this is because the same thing is happening to the term doula that has already happened to the term midwife.

Midwife literally means "with women". What it means nowadays is very different. The medical system has completely monopolised the term. It has been so badly tarnished by medicalised birth, "midwife" used to be a title of honour you earned for being excellent at serving women during birth. Now it means little more than obstetric nurse.

It is illegal to call yourself a midwife if you are not registered, and with the new laws now enforceable, many true midwives will loose the right to the title. They will now be known as a birth worker, birth servant, doula or birth attendant. And so the line between doula and midwife gets blurry. Is this such a bad thing

Laborade

2010-04-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have been experimenting with Laborade and have crack a really yummy recipe:

1/2 cup apricot necter
1 cup apple juice
1 cup cranberry juice
2 tablets of calcium/magnesium tablets
1 teaspoon vitamin C powder
Crushed ice

Yum, yum.

I am now trying to work out how to use this effectively in hospital/birth centre births. I think I will take it cold in a thermos and ask for ice once I'm there. This is heaps better for you than powerade or gatorade and has lots of energy in it. The calcium/magnesium helps get energy to the muscles and helps prevent lactic acid build up. The vitamin C helps the body heal. I found the lemon based laborade drinks tasted awful and lots of recipes are too sweet. Enjoy.

xxoo

Am I too Judgemental? Pondering unconditional support....

2010-04-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

How far does our support stretch? Would you support a woman who was smoking during her pregnancy? What if that woman was a drug addict and had kicked everything for the growing babe in her belly, the only thing left was smoking? And she was employing your services to help support her in her quest to change her life.

Would you support a woman in an elective ceaser? How deep would you dig before you crossed her off? Women don't make decisions in a vacuum.

What about a woman who was going to homebirth but then artificially feed her child?

These are the questions I have been asking myself lately. I feel very torn sometimes. On the one hand I am an exceptionally outspoken, passionate, dedicated advocate of normal birth and normal feeding. I alienate people occasionally and I can piss people off. Most of the time I don't care. In my role as a doula, however, I sometimes find I have to support choices that I do not agree with.

I'm learning where my boundaries are, I'm trying to distinguish between my advocacy role and my supportive role. It's hard.

Judgment is a part of life and not automatically a bad part of life. The definition of judgment is:

The term judgment (BE and AE)[1] or judgement (BE) generally refers to the considered evaluation of evidence in the formation of making a decision. The term has three distinct uses:

Informal and psychology —used in reference to the quality of cognitive faculties and adjudicational capabilities of particular individuals, typically called wisdom or discernment.

The other two relate to the law and religion.

It is what we do with that judgement, how critical we are, that matters. When we see people making shitty choices it can be hard to let it go. Especially when it comes to birth and parenting choices because then it is not just the adult that has to deal with the consequences.

I remember the day I discovered things could be done differently. I remember meeting two women who co-slept, full term breastfed, birthed at home and parented gently. I was blown away. I was young and confused by mainstream parenting but unaware things could be so different. I can't describe my feelings that day. I started reading books and found myself coming to terms with lots of different emotions. I was very grateful to the women who had talked to me about what I saw as 'the truth' and felt strongly that if I just told everyone what I now knew, then they would see 'the truth' as well. Needless to say that didn't turn out too well. People don't take kindly to being told how much damage they are doing, apparently it hurts their feelings.

I spent some time being really angry at people. Pissed off that they would choose to feed artificially, to smack and shame their children, to leave babies screaming in isolation. I still struggle now with this but I have a little more perspective. I re-read the best selling book "What to Expect When Your Expecting" and things made a little more sense. Why wouldn't people do all of the above when books like this (and doctors, and parents, and society) tell them it's ok. That there is no harm in it, that it is all a part of parenting, of teaching, of raising children. It was healing for me, I could re-direct my anger from the individual to society as a whole.

It has been a steep learning curve (and it has not ended yet!) but I've come to realise that some people are open to hearing truth (like I was) and others just aren't ready.

A very wise friend said "...'conversation' comes from 'conversion' and if we wish to converse with someone, we have to be *open to being converted*. If we really want to have a conversation with someone, we have to go into it being open to the possibility of being converted to their truths, not just hoping to convert them to ours."

The trick is to not keep trying to converse with someone who is completely shut down to you (and vise versa).

I truly believe that my energy attracts certain people to me, sometimes I wonder why.

I think some judgement is healthy - an absence of judgment is apathy.

Sometimes it can be debilitating and alienating. I really try to be in a good place with my decisions and avoid actively debating people I know are not open to what I have to say. Trying to surround myself as much as i can with people who are on the same wavelength and realising that a persons journey is their own. And trusting that those desperately seeking a different kind of truth, those that are open (like I was), will hear what I have to say and be thankful not pissed off.

Supporting women who are completely shut down would be almost impossible. There are going to be women I support who will break my heart. I will cry for them and their sweet babies, but I will hope to make a difference in their experience. A beautiful doula friend of mine (while counselling me on this subject) advised me to balance the births I attend. In order to deal with the births that upset my soul, I will attend those births that uplift every part of my being, that make the hairs stand up on end and make me remember why I have the best job in the world. It is this energy that I will take with me to every birth, because EVERY birth has that potential.

xxoo

The role of the Doula

2010-04-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

I am going to use the term Doula here. I know many people who don't. I think I'll do a separate blog post on semantics but for now I'll be using the word doula because that is what most people understand and know.

So what is the role of a doula exactly?

A doula is an assistant who provides various forms of non-medical and non-midwifery support (physical and emotional) in the childbirth process. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doulas

I was talking to a (hospital) midwife the other day, trying to explain my role to her. I said that a doula is what midwives used to be. Someone who is familiar with birth to provide the continuity of care that so many women lack nowadays. Even in the birth centre, a woman is lucky if she sees the same midwife twice. There is virtually no chance that she would have even met the midwife who attends her at the birth. If she doesn't like her particular care-giver, too bad. If she does and shift changes, again - too bad.

Registered midwives are now trained exclusively through the medical model. I have been asked a few times why I don't train as a midwife. The are many factors but one of the most prominent is the fact that I am worried I would come out of the training with a lot of fear. Many midwives in the hospital system are little more than obstetric nurses. Unfortunately in our culture, birth is seen as a pathological event that needs constant monitoring and 'help'. Most of us have grown up with a family mythology of fear and danger around birth, with hospital and drugs 'saving' us from the horrible experience that is birth. If I was to get my degree in midwifery, all of these things would be validated and reinforced. I'm not sure I could come out of that unscathed.

So there is a lot of fear brought into a woman's birth space these days. By the midwives, the doctors and the support people (partners, mother, sister etc.) Fear completely changes the atmosphere of the room and almost always interferes with the birthing woman's head space.

Having a doula buffers this a little. A doula holds the birth space for the woman, protecting her and her other supporters from the busyness of the birthing suite, and from the fear. Hopefully she doesn't even notice the shift change, or that there is some debate going on over her birth plan. A doula is a go-between, softening the medical model of childbirth and supporting the woman specifically.

The midwife I was talking to was intrigued. So, she said to me, for me to enjoy my work again I need to be a doula?!

So what is the role of a doula at a non-medicalised birth? Well, in that case a doula is generally hired for practical support as well as emotional. Cleaning, cooking, caring for children, that sort of thing. Having an extra set of hands and head for labours that are long and hard.

I'm still in the process of defining myself as a doula (I'm not sure this will ever stop!) and the issue of support is central. Would I support a woman through an elective (with no medical indication) caesar? Not sure about this one. Even supporting a woman through a hospital birth has thrown up some challenges for me. Is the support I provide as a doula unconditional? Should it be?

Supporting a woman through the medical model of childbirth is not easy. There are many things that happen in hospital which are not evidenced based and even though you try to discuss everything before the birth, there is usually things that will be thrown up that have not been discussed. Sitting back and supporting a woman making a decision which is dangerous and will have a less than ideal outcome is tough. Watching the abuse, lack of respect and sterilness of it all can be soul destroying. But you have to constantly weigh up the pros and cons. I know that I can make a huge difference to a woman's experience (maybe more so if she chooses to birth in a hospital) - providing that continuity of care, information, support and love. Providing respect where there is none and protecting that space as best I can for that mumma and her bub.

Every woman has the ability to get the birth she wants. I see my role as helping her unlock that ability.

So, what is a doula?

A doula is a warrior, a protector, a domestic goddess, a counsellor, a friend, a confidant, a life coach employed to help you tape into your inner goddess, your inner strength, your inner mother. A doula is someone who is employed for a relatively short time but, if she does her job right, the effects of her presence will be life long.

Simple Pleasures

2010-03-29T16:18:00.000-07:00

1. Sitting in the Autumn sunlight watching your children play happily.

2. Freshly made playdough.

3. Being around people who you feel like you could never have enough conversations with and who you always feel sad leaving.

4. Walking around with an empty Yamo around your waist and not having to explain to people that it is not a weird belt.

5. Feeling like you have made a difference in someones life.

6. Eating a meal that makes you feel really good inside.

7. Eating a meal which makes you feel really shit inside :-)

8. A really good book that takes you away from your everyday life (the ones that, when you put them down you feel refreshed -like you've been on a holiday).

9. Holidays.

10. That time of night when all the children are asleep and you have a quiet sense of achievement - smugness almost - and you realise just how good life is.

The following video clip was posted on my facebook wall. It was the first time I had seen it and my response was to think about everything I appreciated in my life.

The affect of current birth practices on maternally-perpetuated neglect

2010-03-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

I recently attended the ABA's Nurture and Nourish Seminar and got to hear Lane Strathearn speak about his work in connecting breastfeeding and maternally-perpetuated child abuse. I will outline (very briefly - I would need so much more time to go into the depth I would like) the talk below. For more information about Dr Stathearn's work please see here for a full list of his research/publications.

What he found was astonishing. Women who did not breastfeed at all were almost 4 times more likely to abuse their children than women who did breastfeed. Those who breastfed for less than 4 months were 2.3 times more likely to abuse their children. For more information check out the UQ News.

Duration of breastfeeding and severity of neglect:

Dr Strathearn links the release of oxytocin (a hormone that is released during breastfeeding) and the lower instances of child abuse. Animal studies have shown that oxytocin activates areas in the brain that are involved in maternal care and behaviour.

"There are some other functional MRI studies which show how an intranasal dose of oxytocin actually affects how the brain responds to stressful or anxiety-provoking situations and increases trust in a dyadic exchange between two people.

There are all these results from placebo-controlled trials which provide evidence that oxytocin does result in changes in social behaviour..."

-Dr Lane Strathearn

He went onto show the results of measuring the reactions in specific parts of the mothers brain and the change in oxytocin levels while interacting with their child.

The women were divided into two groups - those who were deemed to have a 'secure attachment' and those who had 'insecure or dismissing attachment'.

Those mothers were had a secure attachment had a significant difference in their brain activity and oxytocin levels than those with insecure attachment.

Change in peripheral oxytocin with mother-infant interaction:

The women who were in the insecure attachment group had a withdrawal reaction in response to their crying infant, as opposed to those in the secure group who had the reverse reaction. This seems to prove that some mothers are physiologically unable to respond appropriately to their infants.

The implications of this study are huge. Could we see a future where mothers take intranasal oxytocin to improve their response to their babies, to make them 'better mothers'?

The results of these types of studies solidify just how important the hormone oxytocin is in the mother-child bond and the successful raising of children. From these results, it is clear that the experiences we had in infancy have a direct result on the way in which we parent.

One result of breastfeeding is the release of oxytocin, another reason to promote this normal method of feeding. But what about the major release of oxytocin women experience while giving birth naturally?

Oxytocin causes the uterus to contract during labour, it gradually increases until its peak just as the baby is born. Oxytocin then continues to be released as the mother and baby have uninterrupted skin-to-skin, bonding and the initial breastfeed.

From the studies outlined above, it is clear that this release of oxytocin during labour and birth are a crucial part of preparing us for our role of mother.

And yet in Australia, the rates of intervention in labour and birth are exceptionally high. 99% of the population birth in hospital, 58.6% of women undergo some form of induction (either a full induction or augmentation) and 1 in 3 women will endure a cesarean section. The percentage of women experiencing a normal birth in hospital would be extremely low, if any at all.

While you may give birth vaginally in a hospital, the odds that you will give birth naturally are virtually non-existent.

By their very nature, hospitals act to inhibit the production of natural oxytocin. Fetal monitoring, vaginal exams, even unnecessary talking can take a women out of her instinctual state and into her head. When a woman feels frightened in labour, the flight or fight hormones (also called catecholamines) are triggered which inhibits the release of oxytocin and slows labour down. A similar reaction happens in any mammal - think of cats or dogs having their young; a dark, quiet, safe place is essential (just imagine what would happen if you took your labouring cat and placed her in a room full of strangers who were poking things into her and strapping her to machinery!)

Synthetic oxytocin is routinely injected into women in all maternity hospitals in the country. If not to induce or augment labour, then to manage the expulsion of the placenta (third stage). Synthetic oxytocin enters the blood, but not the brain and as such does not have the same effect as natural oxytocin. In fact, it can desensitise a mother to her own natural oxytocin. Pain relief (yes even the gas) also inhibits oxytocin production.

Babies are routinely weighed, measured, poked with sharp needles and suctioned away from their mother in what is an extremely important time for the establishment of breastfeeding and bonding.

So what are the consequences of these birth practices?

Women are supposed to be exposed to massive amounts of natural oxytocin during labour and birth. Are our low breastfeeding rates, our high rates of maternally instigated abuse linked to the fact that so many women (the vast majority) are denied the effects of oxytocin so early on in their parenting journey?

Based on Dr Strathearn's studies, I believe we are only just beginning to understand the consequences of medicalised birth. When looking at how to increase breastfeeding rates (and therefore drop maternally-perpetuated child abuse) we need to seriously look at the way birth is viewed and managed.

Sometimes I just feel like we are putting the cart before the horse. Save birth, the rest will follow.

xxoo

Being careful with what we say

2010-03-21T19:08:00.000-07:00

We had another Birth Trauma session today at BaBs. I find these sessions really difficult.

The emotion involved in a session like this is intense and I find myself getting very upset - even when the women involved seem at peace with their experience. I find this is a really good, safe space for women to open up about the trauma they have experienced without fear of being dismissed due to the outcome of 'healthy baby' and 'healthy mother'.

I find these sessions hard too because I am dying to reach out to these women, to scream at the top of my lungs that birth does not have to be like that! That there is a safer, gentler, much more respect-filled place to birth. I get sad and frustrated seeing women going back to their place of abuse, seeing it as a need to reclaim their power from the institution that stripped it from them in the first place.

This is a dangerously flawed premise and one that often results in more heartache and trauma. The decision to return to hospital is often made out of fear. The fear surrounding a traumatic birth is often overwhelming and being able to trust birth after a less than ideal experience is often too hard to contemplate without the appropriate support.

Women often think that they can get the birth that they want in a hospital, all they have to do is fight for it. This I find rather insulting. It's like saying all those who have walked into the system with bold plans and strong support, and who ended up shattered anyway were somehow not strong enough or didn't fight hard enough.

You can increase your chances of a vaginal birth in a hospital by being well informed, by employing the services of a doula or an independant midwife but at the end of the day I truly believe it is luck, not strength that determines your fate. There are so many variables that are out of your control, birthing in an environment where you begin fighting, where your guard is firmly in place the second you walk out your front door - none of this makes for a gentle, loving birthing experience.

Before you all jump on me, I know gentle, empowering births happen in hospitals every day. I get it. But I just don't understand going into your birth space with your fists up. You are fighting for what should automatically be yours, and I find that so sad.

You DO NOT need to face your abusers in order to take back your power. Your power is already there inside you waiting to be unleashed. You have (and always have had) the innate ability to birth powerfully, with dignity, surrounded by love.

When I was going into my third birth (and only home birth) my sister said to me "I'm just worried that your pinning all your hopes on a beautiful homebirth and will be devastated if you need to transfer and end up with a c-section" - very relevant point. However, I know in my heart that if the need had arisen for me to transfer to a ceasar, that it would have been a TRUE need for intevention. It would not have happened due to unnecessary, outdated and dangerous procedures. I would be entering the hospital knowing that I needed medical care, I would be in control and I would know that what was happening was for the best outcome for myself and my baby. My trust in myself and my instincts would be intact. Very different to giving up all power and handing my body and baby over to a broken system.

I get a lot of flack for being overzealous. I get it. I know I'm a bit full on. But I cry many tears for women and babies, walking a dangerous, misguided path.

Fear has no place in the birth space and our current system - its training, its focus, its history - is steeped in fear and mistrust of a birthing womans body. Women head (en masse) to the hospital, believing that it is an appropriate and safe place to birth. The consequenses are devastating.

If its a natural birth you want, if you want to avoid trauma and bring your baby into the world gently and with dignity, stay away from places that treat birth as pathalogical until proven otherwise. Stay home, stay safe.

xxoo

A Tentative Step into a New World....

2010-03-21T00:55:00.000-07:00

Heya, here it is. I have decided to take the plunge and enter the world of blogging.

I thought it would be fitting for my first blog post to be about why I want to blog.

I guess like most people, I believe I have some important things to say. I love my soap box. And I love the fact that with a blog people can either read it or not. You don't end up preaching for half an hour to the stunned woman at the supermarket who (you relise later) had in fact asked you a rhetorical question.

I love the social networking of blogging. It's like facebook on steroids. And for someone who used to fall off their chair backwards trying to listen to the conversation behind them, it's heaven.

I also seem to have lots of 'articles' floating around in my head. Bits and pieces of research I want to collate, random thoughts and important facts that I think need to be put in the one place. Something I can refer people to instead of repeating myself constantly. But the fact is articles scare me and I just don't have the time for them right now. Spelling and punctuation are not my strong suits (which doesn't automatically render everything I say insignificant!) and referencing, whilst important, is time consuming so I think blogging will be a good way to say what I want without sweating the small stuff.

I'm really looking forward to sharing my ponderings with whoever makes time for them.

xxoo